They look like pterodactyls. But, they can’t be. They’ve been extinct for millions of years!
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| Dinasawrs! |
For every Ray Harryhausen dinosaur movie, with top notch stop-motion special effects, there are ten with rubbery puppets, guys in suits (and not the good, Godzilla kind) or worse, real life lizards with fake fins and horns taped to them. The Land That Time Forgot’s puppets are about as representative of pre-Jurassic Park B-movie cheese as you can get, with designs that are as scientifically accurate as a first grader’s drawings, but with a real charm to them that’s both goofy and a little menacing. They’re better than Reptilicus, but not as good as The Beast of Hollow Mountain. But the movie’s real special effect is its main actor: Doug McClure. Best known for his work on TV series The Virginian, McClure made a second name for himself starring in a series of pulpy sci-fi adventures for Amicus Productions for director Kevin Connor. So, when MST3K returned, it was no surprise to see McClure show up. But, just as the movie’s special effects fall somewhere in the middle, does that mean the episode does as well?
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| Matte paintings that time forgot. |
Based on a series of stories by Tarzan creator Edgar Rice Burroughs, McClure plays Bowen Tyler, an American who survives the torpedoing of a British civilian ship by a German U-boat. Teaming up with the other survivors, they overtake the sub and its crew and end up lost near Antarctica. There, they discover the land of Caprona, where dinosaurs and cavemen still exist and are more than happy to eat any wayward adventurers. With the sub low on fuel and Caprona a surplus of danger, Tyler and gang must find a way to work together, discover the secret of Caprona, and escape before something disastrous happens, like say a volcano erupting and destroying enough things to end the movie.
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| Pterosaurs aren't technically dinosaurs, just FYI. |
With a synopsis that includes dinosaurs, submarines, charismatic manly actors, and being based on works by Burroughs, you’d think this would be either a rollicking pulpy adventure for Jonah and the Bots to ride through or a ridiculous turkeysaurus that would give them a lot of meat to sink their teeth into. However, the movie falls somewhere in between. Its pacing is a little laden, with drama aboard the sub taking up so much time that it’s a half hour in before they even reach Caprona. This leads to Jonah and his own crew trying their damndest, throwing out tons of riffs, with partially successful results. For every one where Crow says, “You know, basically war is just like a bunch of people playing pranks on each other, but at the end, they all die,” there’s Jonah just saying, as the editing shows a frame of Lisa the scientist, “Men are so stupid.” But their hit to miss ratio is just a little on the hit side, and they’re still good at making a joke out of anything, so when presented with a shot of the gray ocean weather, when Jonah says, “This is what every Star Wars movie looks like before the CGI gets put in.”
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| What a good third of the movie is like. Because who needs dinosaurs when you have hot submarine action? |
When the crew finally do embark upon the titular land forgotten by time, it’s also a mostly mixed bag. There’s a fast sequence of jokes when the sub is attacked by a plesiosaur that feels like the SOL crew is throwing everything at the wall in the hope something sticks. So you get Tom going on a long bit about Doug McClure setting a trap for a plesiosaur that show sup that’s really just him rambling. But, you also get Crow saying, “Nessie’s pissed!” It’s very emblematic of the renewal’s riffs per minute ratio, where at times it feels like they’re just trying to fill every second with something. But, again, that also means you get great bits like Tom saying, “So that creature’s probably endangered, right?” and Crow replying, “Oh yeah, for sure, last of it’s kind, a priceless it’s sweat cures cancer, blah blah blah kill it kill it!”
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| Plesiosaurs and other extinct aquatic reptiles also weren't technically dinosaurs. |
The jokes about McClure have about the same slightly over 50% success rate. Some are clever digs at his super-Americaness, like when somebody says Caprona is about 200 miles across, and Crow says, “Uh, how many football fields is that?” and some are just blunt and bland like Tom saying, “I’m the American And so I need to be at the center of the action. Look what I can do!” But again, there’s just slightly better hit to miss ratio, so we still get good gags like, when Tyler is exploring, Tom says, “Remember, if we find any indigenous tribes, I’m the god,” to which Crow and Jonay say flatly, “Yes, Mr. McClure.” “But if it’s one of those cultures that kills its god, then Bradley’s the god.” “Yes, Mr. McClure.” And yes, of course they make a Troy McClure reference.
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| Ark: Survival Evolved has come a long way since launch. |
The host segments are also on the mediocre side, like Jonah and the bots playing sub and getting attacked by a space robot squid, which is cute and very Joel-era, and another about Crow worried he’ll evolve into a person and die is okay. But there is a standout in the Moon 14 restaurant skit. Turns out, Kinga and Max have been raising dinosaurs for food on the moon! And their place has a catchy jingle that just gets more and more ridiculous. “Plan to dine in the land before time! Moon 14!” turns to “Tiny little arms with great big flavor! Moon 14!” Its a standout part of the episode and quickly became a personal fave skit.
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| I got more enjoyment from this skit than I ever did actually eating at Buffalo Wild Wings. |
Overall, this one has a ton of gags as befitting the newer seasons, but it feels like almost half the time they’re doing it just to say something rather than because the movie engaged them to make a good joke or observation. It sometimes feels like its another weird case where if the movie had been worse, say if the dinosaurs were even cheaper or if Doug McClure’s character was as boneheaded and kill crazy as chunkheads from 50s scifi schlock , they’d have had more of a ball with it. But damnit, do they try. It’s just a shame that a well-known B-movie actor and a bunch of fun rubber dinosaurs results in just a slightly below average episode. Still, if the worst I can say about the episode is that it’s slightly below the hilarious average, and you enjoy cheesy dinosaur movies like I do, you’re still looking at a decent time.
Episode in a Riff:
-As the movie shows a nice matte painting of Caprona:
Jonah: “This looks pretty paint by numbers.”
Crow: “The background or the plot?”
Random Asides:
-So I chose this episode not only because it's ringing in the new year ("time", get it?!?) but because I'd just recently seen Jurassic World: The Exhibition when it was here in the area. Hard as it is to believe, but I liked the Exhibition even more than this episode!
-Because one set of professional riffers aren't enough, here's Brandon's Cult Movies review of The Land That Time Forgot!
-Sure, we get a Jurassic Park joke, but would it have killed them to throw in a Skull Island or Lost World reference as well?
-Why yes, I do think that’s nitpicking. And it’s my blog, I can do what I want!
-The fact that the crew is smart enough to check the potability of the drinking water is pretty smart
-”It’s more chronologically accurate to say chicken tastes like dinosaurs.” -Tom
-From the Moon 14 skit: Jonah: “Wait, are they raised cruelty-free?” Kinga: “Oh, no, no, we are very cruel!” Max: “These beasts died out before God made those rules!”
-I like how they explain some of the edits made to the movie, like the numerous back-and-forth of who’s in control of the sub, as some of the Kingachrome movie leaking out.
-I love Kinga angrily tearing up the piece of paper at the end.
-My favorite moment from the Gizmonic Institute Radio podcast on this episode: when Jeff identifies his favorite dinosaur as, “Zombie T. Rex being ridden by a noir-ish wizard detective and a one-man-band playing polka.”
-”JINGLE!”
Additional Links:
Gizmonic Institute Radio podcast
