Ugh.
You
always hurt the ones you love. Into the belly of the beast. God save the
children. Whatever. Ugh, HOBGOBLINS.
Let’s get this one out of the way. I know some people say Manos, some say Monster a Go-Go, and some say any of the Coleman Francis movies or Castle of Fu Manchu are the worst. But so far, for me, Hobgoblins is the worst movie MST3K ever showed. Sure, Manos is more ineptly made, and Monster a Go-Go is more boring, and to some people, boring and inept are the worst a movie can be. But to me, annoying and disgusting are the worst, and Hobgoblins is both. There’s a reason this was maybe the third or fourth time I’d seen this one. And while the movie was wasn't as horrible as I remember it being (by maybe, and I'm being generous, 5%), the episode was thankfully a lot funnier than I remember as well.
From
the first host segment, of Mike and the Bots being punished for jumping on a
couch sent to them by Pearl, a message is sent: this one’s gonna hurt. Bad. The
movie concerns Kevin, a whiny doofus who gets a job as a security guard at an
old film studio that’s totally, seriously not an abandoned factory lot, you guys.
One night, while training with his superior McCreedy, (who looks a LOT like William B.
Davis, the Smoking Man from X-Files),
Kevin accidentally unleashes the secret that the elderly McCreedy has been
hiding in a literal bank vault on the film studio for years: the Hobgoblins,
lifeless puppet Gremlins knock-offs that kill people by bringing their deepest,
and cheapest to film, fantasies to life. The beginning of this episode isn’t
too bad. But the movie gets way worse when we meet the main characters. I’m
sorry “characters”, including Kevin’s friends, the equivalent of STDs that walk
and talk. The hobgoblins bring fantasies such as Army generals and rejected 80s
music video starlets to life and endear themselves to the audience by trying to
kill the humans in the movie. Unfortunately, they fail, and instead, after
running rampant around town and God I hate even recounting this damn movie,
they are blown up by the security guard who first improsined them. Meaning he
could’ve done that years ago and spared us this movie. You can’t see it, but
I’m rolling my eyes and spitting on the ground.
Making
something dumb or silly or stupid fun is easy for MST. Making something
ingratiating and unpleasant fun? Bigger challenge. So it says a lot, and I mean
a LOT, about the Best Brains, that after avoiding this episode for years, I
will be watching it again, because this is one damn funny episode. Not one of
their best, for sure, and the movie is still bad enough I won’t be re-watching
it enough to induce memorization, but still well worth watching.
I've said before that Season 9 isn't the show's strongest to me, sometimes feeling like Mike and the Bots are reciting jokes rather than having fun making off-the-cuff remarks at a movie. Not here. They are engaged, they are disgusted, and they are on point in this episode. I remembered this movie being so painful, I avoided re-watching it extensively, so I forgot how frequent and funny the jokes are (I mostly remembered "PAIN" from this). The host segments from the beginning (well, after the Robert Palmer intro segment) are all about how bad this movie is, from the beginning couch-jumping segment (man, that has a different meaning post-2005) to the cardboard cutouts near the end. And once they're in the theater, Mike and the Bots' fear is almost palpable, as Mike tries to corral the Bots who try to escape during the opening credits. They get angry at the movie fast, they stay angry and disgusted throughout, and that engagement really makes the jokes, from Servo's frustrated, "So then he becomes a Jedi Knight? WHY AM I SITTING HERE?" to Mike pointing out, during a front-yard rake-fight scene (seriously, yes), "Hey, did you see that? The hose out-acted them", to Crow saying, as a character arrives on screen, "Ah, and what brisk witticism does this chappy have to offer?" Despite the normal perception of the show, the SOL crew rarely hate a movie. They hate this one. And that makes the episode all the better.
But the sheer badness of the movie really knocks it down a few pegs for me. Normally, when Mike and the Bots are in pain , I love it. and I do, here. but this movie is so bad, so painful, it causes me pain. It's like the opposite of in "Santa Claus", where the sheer goofiness of the movie elevate it above average riffing. But even the pain the movie brings kind of makes watching it with Mike and the Bots somewhat more enjoyable. It’s like bonding with fellow soldiers over the pain of old battles.
I've said before that Season 9 isn't the show's strongest to me, sometimes feeling like Mike and the Bots are reciting jokes rather than having fun making off-the-cuff remarks at a movie. Not here. They are engaged, they are disgusted, and they are on point in this episode. I remembered this movie being so painful, I avoided re-watching it extensively, so I forgot how frequent and funny the jokes are (I mostly remembered "PAIN" from this). The host segments from the beginning (well, after the Robert Palmer intro segment) are all about how bad this movie is, from the beginning couch-jumping segment (man, that has a different meaning post-2005) to the cardboard cutouts near the end. And once they're in the theater, Mike and the Bots' fear is almost palpable, as Mike tries to corral the Bots who try to escape during the opening credits. They get angry at the movie fast, they stay angry and disgusted throughout, and that engagement really makes the jokes, from Servo's frustrated, "So then he becomes a Jedi Knight? WHY AM I SITTING HERE?" to Mike pointing out, during a front-yard rake-fight scene (seriously, yes), "Hey, did you see that? The hose out-acted them", to Crow saying, as a character arrives on screen, "Ah, and what brisk witticism does this chappy have to offer?" Despite the normal perception of the show, the SOL crew rarely hate a movie. They hate this one. And that makes the episode all the better.
But the sheer badness of the movie really knocks it down a few pegs for me. Normally, when Mike and the Bots are in pain , I love it. and I do, here. but this movie is so bad, so painful, it causes me pain. It's like the opposite of in "Santa Claus", where the sheer goofiness of the movie elevate it above average riffing. But even the pain the movie brings kind of makes watching it with Mike and the Bots somewhat more enjoyable. It’s like bonding with fellow soldiers over the pain of old battles.
With
its cheap puppets and sleazy characters, Hobgoblins is as fuzzy and lovable as
a yeast infection.The episode, however, is something of a sharp, cutting gem, one I'll have to take another look at. Just not anytime soon.
Episode in a Riff
"Can we have a rule in the
future that 'films' hav eto be made by filmmakers?" - Crow
Random
Asides
-Lord, I remember when seeing this episode for the first time, I thought “this is gonna be a bad one."
-I really, REALLY love how the old guy could’ve blown up the hobgoblins years ago and saved us hits movie
-There's not even so much as a twist tie on the vault containing the Hobgoblins.
-They Hobgoglins themselves are pretty cute puppets, but they make Charles \Band look like ILM
- Is the set up to this movie on par with the one for Hamlet? Maybe
-Lord, I remember when seeing this episode for the first time, I thought “this is gonna be a bad one."
-I really, REALLY love how the old guy could’ve blown up the hobgoblins years ago and saved us hits movie
-There's not even so much as a twist tie on the vault containing the Hobgoblins.
-They Hobgoglins themselves are pretty cute puppets, but they make Charles \Band look like ILM
- Is the set up to this movie on par with the one for Hamlet? Maybe
-"I Didn’t Mean to Turn You On" is not a Robert Palmer song I’m familiar with. Fixing that as I edit this review.
-Is
the set up to Pearl revealing the movie on par with the one for Hamlet? Maybe.
-I
feel so sorry this security guard who wasted 30 years of his life in this movie
-is that Skeletor’s sister as Jessie Spano from that pill popper episode of "Saved by the Bell" as Daphne the Slut?
-The garden tool fight scene. One of many reasons that F this movie.
-In
any other movie, red shorts guy would be the stereotypical gay character
-What
book is mike reading? Whatever it is, I love Servo is reading Richard Scarry
-"Ah women. Women women women women women." I applaud Crow's choices of Lucille Balle and Lucy from Peanuts as prime examples of womanhood in his instructional anti-misogyny video. And that crow can’t find women on the ship. Except Gypsy. I love even more that it's filmed like a search for Bigfoot.
-"Ah women. Women women women women women." I applaud Crow's choices of Lucille Balle and Lucy from Peanuts as prime examples of womanhood in his instructional anti-misogyny video. And that crow can’t find women on the ship. Except Gypsy. I love even more that it's filmed like a search for Bigfoot.
-I
like that they’re laughing at special effects that are about the show’s level
-So, the Hobgoblins use fantasies to lure people to kill them or something? And this first one just imitates a car horn and gets its ass kicked by a rake thin 80s roller skank. Way to go.
-So, the Hobgoblins use fantasies to lure people to kill them or something? And this first one just imitates a car horn and gets its ass kicked by a rake thin 80s roller skank. Way to go.
-"I was almost just killed by monsters. Time to call a phone sex line!!!" ARGH.
-I want to thank Best Brains for cutting out the obvious handjob scene.
-I want to thank Best Brains for cutting out the obvious handjob scene.
-Seriously, who is this movie for? It's too ugly and gross for adults, too dumb for kids. Also it’s a horrible POS.
-Y’know that feeling when your'e at a club or a concert and the band playing isn’t very good so you just sit there, awkwardly waiting for it to end, exchanging odd glances with your friends? They put that in a movie. I think Rick Sloane just filmed whatever was happening at the club that night.
-I
don't care, I like red jacketed MC guy.
-Kevin is just looking everywhere for Amy, like "Where’s the plot? Anyone seen it?”
-"Fishpicker!" Well, that killed 2 1/2 minutes of my life.
-Amy became soooooo much less attractive when she got 80s skanked up.
-"Red hot, uncensored Jami Gertz". Except Jamie Gertz is actually hot
-"Fishpicker!" Well, that killed 2 1/2 minutes of my life.
-Amy became soooooo much less attractive when she got 80s skanked up.
-"Red hot, uncensored Jami Gertz". Except Jamie Gertz is actually hot
-I feel so sorry for the actor playing the old security guard. Not anyone else, just him.
-I also feel kind of sorry for Rick Sloane. He offered to have the movie be an episode and they torched him hard for it. Oh wait, he still made the movie. I feel less bad for him.
-No,
this is NOT a better movie than Road House.
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