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| Bad effect enforced method acting. |
Oliver
Stone directed an a horror movie in the early 80s called The Hand, about a
vengeful cartoonist played with sneering menace by Michael Caine who loses his
hand in a traffic accident, and whose personal enemies, such as his ex wife,
start showing up strangled. Is he doing it? Or is it really his disembodied
hand acting out his deepest desires? It’s an underappreciated little gem of a
flick. The Crawling Hand is about the ripped off arm of an exploded astronaut
that slinks around pulled by wires and held up to the throats of actors
unconvincingly pretending to be strangled. It is not as good. But, is it not as
good in the way that makes for a solid episode of MST3K? And, can Joel and the
Bots give it the riffing it deserves this early in the show’s run?
Space
Agency scientists Steve and Kent have a problem: all the spacemen they shoot up
keep going crazy and exploding! After their latest sends them a video message,
wearing Robert Smith brand eye-liner, screaming about killing them and begging
them to press the self destruct, they oblige, and mope around wondering what
went wrong. Meanwhile, well-meaning teen Paul and his unbelievably gorgeous Swiss
girlfriend Donna are frolicking on the beach when they come across a nice scene
of her changing into her swimsuit I mean the astronaut’s body parts, namely his
arm. Paul becomes fascinated by it and sees it as a way to make money or get
fame or I’m not sure, the movie’s kind of vague on that. Either way, Paul takes
it back home, and in the middle of the night, it just plain acts rude and
strangles his landlady. Soon, the malevolent entity inside has spread to Paul,
causing him to strangle others. And the sheriff, played by Alan Hale Jr., is
mighty suspicious of him. Meanwhile, scientists Steve and Kent are trying to locate
the missing astro-pendage, and wonder if Paul knows what’s going on. It’s
mainly a lot of Paul arguing with his girlfriend, the sheriff played doing some
bad investigating, and Space Agency guys doing a poor Mulder and Scully.
Honestly, it’s a lot of build up for not a lot of crawling or strangling.
And
just as the junkyard cats that eat the hand at the end (yes, really) find out,
there’s not a lot of meat on this film to chew on. This was probably the first
time I’d seen this episode since I bought the VHS of it back in high school,
and both the movie and the early skills of Joel and the Bots leave a lot to be
desired. There’s some anachronistic pre-NASA pseudo science and the presence of
the Skipper, but that’s about it. Sure, the main character is kind of a
low-rent James Dean-y rebel, but only occasionally, and there’s a cantankerous
old guy running the local sock hop, but he’s got like two scenes. The main
things they have to work with are the Space Agency guys, with their spying and
techno-babble, the presence of Alan Hale Jr, and the entire concept of a killer
hand.
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| Pictured: doom of the world. |
And
while them at their peak could make a perfectly joyful episode out of that,
this early on, it’s mostly a learning experience. Joel gets up and walks around
the theater as the scientists babble on about pseudo-science early on, and the
first 30 minutes are a slog until Paul finds the arm. And though it does pick
up, it still feels stuck in second gear. Most of the jokes about Alan Hale Jr.
are just pointing out he used to be the Skipper, jokes which will be done
better in episodes like Angels’ Revenge. And let’s not list the number of
groan-inducing arm puns they make. Okay, just a few: Gotta hand it to him.”
And, “went out on a limb with that one”. Groan, guys, groan.
There’s
also a lot of “state park” jokes, like saying Paul’s landlady looks like Tammy
Faye Baker and that Paul, when possessed, looks like Robert Smith of the Cure,
instead of, say, singing some Cure songs when he looks that way. And when they
do try it that way with a joke about one of the characters looking like a
member of the Fine Young Cannibals, their delivery is a little awkward and
forced. And there’s a scene where the old manager of the soda shop is strangled
while hot jazz plays on the jukebox that them in their prime would’ve had a
blast with (like Tom does in Leech Woman).
A
lot of the lower stretches are also because the show is just beginning and
still experimenting. They’re maybe a year out from having been on Minnesota
public access and on a just-starting cable channel (the Comedy Channel, which
would one day become Comedy Central). So there’s a lot of experimentation and
growing, from working on their deliveries to changing the color of silhouettes
to a dark green (which thankfully they never did again.) The host segments are
also a little rough, but goofy fun, especially the one where Joel and the Bots
pretend to be strangled by fake plastic hands to practice their Shatner acting.
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| Joel is done with their techno-babble |
There
are some bright spots though. A few jokes have stuck with me even after not
seeing this for a decade or so, lines like, after said cantankerous shopkeep
says, “no dancing, not allowed,” and, “no music, not allowed” to all the teens’
fun, Servo goes, “No acting, not allowed.” And later, when the scientists are
speculating about what could keep the hand alive, a substitute for oxygen,
Servo spouts, “It’s new Oxygen-Lite!” There are some signs of how clever the
show will get, though, and even using the same material to riff on. Upon seeing
the hand, Crow says, “I remember him from Def Leppard!” And when Alan Hale Jr.
steps into frame in one scene, Servo says, “Hey, where’s the body, little
buddy?”
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| A friendly reminder that Alan Hale Jr. is in this. |
Though
it has a few bright spots and some solid jokes, the writing and performing are
just not what fans of the show are accustomed to, and the movie itself doesn’t
offer a whole lot of either cheesy fun or riffing factor, either. So only die
hard MSTies may want to seek out this one. That said, it says a lot that, even
when experiencing the old and rough version of the show, I still come away
feeling warm, fuzzy, and entertained. Not many shows can do that, gotta hand it
to em. Thank you, I’m outta here!
Episode
in a Riff:
As
Paul prepares to take the hand off the beach: “I don’t think it’s freeze wrap,
I think it’s a hand bag!” -Servo
Random
Asides:
-This
may be the first appearance of the “I thought you were Dale!” reference. And in
a movie about a disembodied hand no less! That’s gotta be MST history.
- My
favorite memory of this one comes from Trace’s MST3K Monster! Entry in the
ACEG: “Eaten by a cat. The world is saved.”
-Mike is MEAN to Alan Hale Jr in the guide, too. “Even then, it was obvious he was destined to become a greeter at the Skpper’s seafood chain.” Damn.
-I
love Joel’s itnro: “Okay, Cambot, you don’t have to put the applause in.” he
says as he’s marooned in outer space, but lounging around in a smoking jacket
drinking either coffee or cocoa. This is what I imagine life on the SOL is generally
like. That, and incredible madness
-I also love the Mads' invention of an arm lengthener: great imagery.
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| There's a comic waiting to be made about an evil, more Dr. F -like Reed Richards |
-Another sign they’re still figuring out the show: the bots aren’t even in the pre-movie host segments. It’s a little awkward. That said, I love Joel’s huge scream during the circular saw safety gag.
- According
to ACEG, the green silhouettes are also in The Slime People a few episodes
later. It’s rough, signs of the show growing and how they let the execs at CC
direct them to do dumb crap.
-Speaking
of the episode guide, Mike is right, the main character’s girlfriend is
gorgeous!
-“Space Operations, Florida Division.” How I love how movies and TV portray pre-NASA space flight.
-“Cambot, remind me. Next time I make a robot? No more free will.”
-The Space Agency guys are like Mulder and Scully in an episode where they don’t do jack but one or two things and just show up at the end to summarize what happened.
- JUST as I was thinking it, Joel points out how it’s a low budget movie because they don’t crasht he car! Damn.
Additional Links
Satellite News Review
Annotations
