408 - Hercules Unchained

I’m so sleepy I can’t seem to keep awake. -Hercules

What half the movie is made up of.

Hercules Unchained was among the first handful of episodes I saw when the show was running middle-of-the-night in chunks as the Mystery Science Theater Hour on local TV. And, considering the first episode I saw was another Italian Hercules movie, Hercules Against the Moonmen, I was ecstatic. And while I don’t hold this episode as highly or as personally as that one, there’s a reason why, after rewatching it for the first time in a few years, I could recite it almost line-for-line: it’s hilarious.

There is a LOT of stuff in this movie.

What’s astounding is the cast and crew of MST make a great episode out of a movie they barely understand. Hercules Unchained is a sequel to a movie they hadn’t yet seen and mixes in the myths of Hercules, Ulysses, Oedipus, and more like they’re trying to build a Greek shared film universe by smashing already complicated stories together to make one giant jumble of Christmas lights on film. In fact, I’ve never fully understood the plot until this most recent viewing, and I’ve seen this episode a ton. Basically, Hercules is returning to his home town of Thebes from the events of the first movie with Ulysses and Iole, his wife. But, Thebes is in trouble, because Oedipus has stepped down and his sons Polynices and Eteocles, who are supposed to rule for a year each and then swap, are fighting, with the mad Eteocles declaring his rule unending and Polynices threatening to invade with an army from Argos to regain his rule. So, to spare his city bloodshed, Hercules agrees to go and talk some sense into Eteocles, taking Ulysses with him. But along the way, he drinks from a random spring that happens to be the Waters of Forgetfulness, and is taken to the island of the luscious temptress Omphale, who tells Herc that he’s her husband. Meanwhile, Ulysses is pretending to be a deaf mute, and needs to help Herc regain his memory so they can escape Omphale so they can get to Thebes so they can prevent a war between Oedipus’ sons. GOD! Next time people complain about Marvel movies getting complicated, show them this thing’s plot summary. What this mostly amounts to is Herc spends half the movie lazing about at Omphale’s, drinking and eating and making out with her, until he escapes and the movie ends with it throwing every actor and extra it has at one another until things are done.

Hercules receives exposition from Oedipus. This is a confounding movie.

The tangled-up-Christmas-lights metaphor works well for this movie, because while it’s confusing as hell, it’s also bright and shiny and a mess of fun. I adore these Italian sword-and-sandal flicks, and this movie has a big enough budget to make it a real spectacle. There are giant sets and gorgeous costumes in bright, bold Eastmancolor (courtesy of legendary director Mario Bava!), fights and myths for the kids, and hunks and babes for the grown-ups.  It’s rarely boring, (I don’t care what Servo says!) not very annoying, and just silly enough.

See? Budget and spectacle.

And man, does it give them a lot to work with. Greek myths? Check for mythical references Crow asking if Herc pulled a thorn out of the paw of a tiger he fights, and Servo corrects, “No, that was Androcles.” Lavish costumes and huge sets? Goofy jokes like Crow calling the assault towers of an enemy army, “Looks like they got the leftover parts from an airplane model.”  Muscular men and ravishing women? Upon seeing nymphs run giggling from Hercules, Servo calls it, “When Kennedies ruled Greece!” Then there’s inspired lines like Hercules tossing a goblet, to which Joel says, “Hey, in 2,000 years, that’ll be worth something!” And there’s the smarty-pants references like a Hercules asking Ulysses about a story, and Servo says, “Okay, let’s see, “Stately, plump, Buck Mulligan…’ Oh wait, that’s not the one you wanted.” The riffing is incredibly strong and funny, and comes frequently, but at a nice, relaxed pace. They’re at the top of their game here, and they are enjoying watching and riffing the hell out of this movie.

THRILL at the leisure activities of HERCULES!

And of course, expensive and colorful fantasy movies give the SOL crew an excuse to dress up and discuss the ancient Greeks, with Gypsy playing the lyre and Tom and Crow hedoninst-ing it up. Mike guest stars in a stuffed bodysuit as Steve Reeves. And, in a skit displaying Joel’s paternal relationship to the Bots, Crow and Tom try to pry out of him what happens when Herc and Omphale are making out and the screen fades to black. (as Paul Chaplin says in the Amazing Colossal Episode Guide, “They know. They just want him to say it.”) It just speaks to the “let’s put on a show” attitude of MST, and it’s infectious fun. Sometimes I use similes to express what the feeling of watching an episode is, like “it’s like hanging out with some friends at a bad local theater play.” Here, it very much feels like what the show is: watching the movie with sarcastic friends. And it’s a blast.

And then Spock comes in and jams with them.

  

The biggest complaints I can think of are that the riffing isn’t all-time best and the movie could be just a bit dumber and annoying in the way of, say, Space Mutiny, to be an all time great. But those are naught but stray hairs atop Steve Reeves’ glorious gleaming chest. This wasn’t the first fantasy or sword-and-sandals/sorcery/something movie they did, but it was the first Italian-produced one, and it set a precedent. The movie is dumb fun, but the experiment is a classic and personal favorite for a reason.

Episode in a Riff:

This is like I, Claudius, only it’s not good at all. -Servo


Random Asides:

-I doubt showing these movies in order would have made much more sense. But the original Hercules wouldn’t end up on the show until season 5, after two other unrelated Hercules Italian flicks.

-I love the “Wash n’ Wax Day”, as a glimpse into daily life on the SOL.

-I also enjoyed Magic Voice ratting out Crow: “Crow’s hiding behind Cambot.”

-I was actually fooled into thinking Steve Reeves was the real thing.

-The Steve-o-meter is a great invention, albeit a real odd reference for a 90s show. It’s more for kids of the 60s-70s , such as Joel. I only knew who he was from Space Ghost: Coast to Coast and, of course, the classic Simpson’s line, “Behold! The Ultimate Pog!”

-The lighting and effects on this movie look so good due to director Mario Bava, of Black Sunday, Bay of Blood, and of course, Danger! Diabolik fame.

-The movie credits the original Greek orators and storytellers. Classy touch.

-This may have been maybe the second time for me to see this episode on DVD, as there are parts cut out from the MST Hour version, like the conclusion of the fight with Anteo.

-OF COURSE they have to sing “The Way to Eden” from Star Trek.

-I love the idea that the SOL is just stuffed with used sets from their skits, and various parts of the ship are just made up like ancient Greece, farms, swamps, dinosaur valleys, etc.

-Great Gypsy line: “I’m the Helenistic ideal!”

-What is Omphale’s island’s main export? Hot women dance theater? Tours of her Dead Lover garden?

-Even establishing and filler scenes in this movie have gorgeous women in short skirts!     

-Servo: “Say, who manufactures the waters of forgetfulness?”

Joel: “Oh it says here on the bottle: Mendoda Springs, makers of the Waters of Forgetfulness since… oh I forget… oh it’s on the tip of my tongue…when was it?”

-“This is the Green Bean and French Onion Casserole of Happiness: those who eat of it will find the joy only a hot dish can bring.”

-“Hobbes, get offa me!” –Joel, as Herc fights tigers. Thanks for the Calvin and Hobbes shout out, guys!

-Why these movies? Joel, Gypsy, and Crow think it has to do with everything from European reactions to postwar conservatism, Joseph Campbell’s hero of 1,000 faces, and more. Tom thinks its because an American distributor just got a sweet deal on them and they cranked ‘em out. Me? They’re fun, that’s why!

-I’m not calling him “Herakles”. Bite me. 

Additional Links:

Satellite News review