315 - Teenage Cave Man

It is the law!

Robert Vaughn, center, the titular teenage cave man, was 26 at the time.

 

This one has been stuck in my mind for years. Not that I’ve seen the episode or even the original movie before. But that seeing the title and reading the synopsis in the Amazing Colossal Episode Guide had my curiosity piqued. How bad could this movie be? How good would the episode from it be?  I got the answer in the introductory host segment, as Joel and the Bots watch the rain, bored, not wanting to do. This is a rainy day MST3K. And actually, for when I watched it, it’s what I needed.

But I’ll get to that later. What’s the movie about? It’s a Roger Corman production, so made on a shoe-string budget, was probably shot in about half a week, and probably made more that its budget back. It follows teenage cave man Robert Vaught (none of the characters have names. So we’ll go with actors here) who is going through the usual teenage problems. He’s asserting his independence while trying to follow the teachings of his father Leslie Bradley. He’s rebelling against the strict rules of his tribe, forbidden from exploring their tiny valley, and facing retribution from  the fearful and bullying Frank De Kova. He’s even met a nice girl, Darah Marshall that he’s trying to impress. His biggest problem, though? The movie is a mess, both boring and creative, pretentious and stupid. You’ve got a young, intelligent caveman questioning the superstitious rules of his tribe done with endless conversations about “the law” and “it’s forbidden.” 75% of the conversations go like this: “It is forbidden!” “Why?” “The law!” “But why, the law?” It’s got cleanly shaven and bathed twenty and thirty year olds pretending to be teenage cave men next to cheap men-in-suit dinosaurs and stock footage of lizards with fins pretending to be dinosaurs from another movie featured on MST. It’s got things to say said poorly and jumbled up with a cheap budget. It’s got a lot of things that are cheesy about it, but also things that are boring and just plain bad, and not in the entertaining or really painful way.

In other words, it’s actually a challenge to make an episode out of. Well, not quite a challenge, but a challenge to make a great episode out of. And Joel and the Bots do a serviceable, but not superb, job. There are some great uses of the setting like “I just invented another torch!” from Servo or, when seeing young Robert being tried for his crimes of curiosity, Crow chirps, “It’s like Inherit the Wind, only backwards.”, but overall they mostly feel bored by this one. It’s shown in the host segments as well, where only two focus on the movie, and even then they’re more interested by the ideas put forth by it than by the actual content of the movie itself. It’s a fine distinction but a noticeable one. The riffs aren’t bad, but they’re not as good as if they were more engaged with the movie, be it by hating it, being disgusted by it, or being tortured by it. They make some choice zingers, but it’s not a laugh-a-minute time in the caves.

The shorts are a different matter. The first, Aquatic Wizards, is a showcase about waterskiing sports and stunts. It’s mindless 50s filler, and some of the stunts are cool. The second short, though, its Catching Trouble, is about  Ross Allen, a naturalist catches wild animals for zoos in the most inhumane and PETA-panic-attack-inducing manner possible. Want some rattle snakes? Set fire to the brush to drive them out! Want some baby bears? Just snatch them up and ignore their ear piercing and heart rending screams! Look, I’m not gonna fool myself into thinking even the best zoos in the world (like the world-class one in Fort Worth; visit today!) are close approximations for life in the wild for these animals, nor that the animals got there under the best conditions. But goddamn, is this stuff hard to watch. Needless to say, Joel and the Bots milk it for all it’s worth. “You’ll never clean away the sin,” and “I’d like to apologize to everyone, everywhere,” are just a few examples. Aquatic Wizards has some good moments,, but its Catching Trouble that makes this episode memorable. But, it doesn’t quite measure up to classic shorts like Mr. B. Natural or A Case of Spring Fever.

Even though this episode ranks merely among the average at best, there’s something about it that touches me. Part of that is because when I watched it. I lost a very close family member a few weeks ago, and the day after, to take my mind off things, I watched this one for the first time. Seeing the episode start w Joel and the Bots in a bad mood, stuck inside on a rainy day, made me feel like they were with me on a bad day of my own. It’s that weird commradery aspect of the show I find so moving. I know I’ve gone on at length about that before, but I needed it and the show brought it. 

...

So, even though this episode isn’t a stand out, though its far from bad, it echoed what I felt at a bad time, and alleviated those depths a little. When the episode began, and the doors closed on the MST3K logo, I got the feeling that things would be okay, even if just for an hour and a half, and I did just relax.

Episode in a Riff:

Joel: “This script is like a telephone directory.”

Crow: “But not as interesting.”

Random Asides:

-In the Amazing Colossal Episode Guide, Mary Jo Pehl goes off on Roger Corman, saying it’s a load that he’s regarded as a great director. I’ll mostly agree, though I haven’t seen much of the better of his oeuvre like The Raven or Pit and the Pendulum. But, I’m glad he was around, his passion for filmmaking, or maybe just his passion for the film business, giving people work, keeping the lights on, and giving lots of up and comers a shot.

-God, Corman, Samuel Z. Arkoff, Albert Glasser…. how many MST regulars are involved in this?!

-Stock footage scene from other episodes includes She-Creature and King Dinosaur.

-Gypsy: “What’s ‘poker’?” Joel and the Bots: “Alright, let’s play!”

-Of the Invention Exchange epicacs, the circus peanuts with lukewarm Strawberry Qwik is by far the best/worst of the bunch.

-I love how the camera starts shaking when Frank pulls the knife on Dr. F and things get real. They are also obviously trying not to laugh.  

-The guy barefoot skiing in the Aquatic Wizards short is badass!

-16 minutes in, Joel utters, “When the cat’s away, ha ha,” just a small joke mostly said to himself, but  a moment I love a lot. Not sure why. Maybe it’s just them entertaining themselves instead of trying to entertain us, something for them, showing their relationship, I dunno.

-The framing of the SOL bridge here tells me what’s off about Season 11. S11 is too far off and eye level w the desk. Classic seasons seem to usually be eye level with Joel or mike, looking down a little at the desk. Minor complaints.

-I mainly know Emo Phillips from UHF, where he plays the only person in the world weird enough to make “Weird Al” Yankovic look normal.

- Tom and Crow make a great Felix and Oscar. I’d pay to see them perform The Odd Couple.

-There’s a little bit of early, dumb Gypsy in how she behaves in this one. Weird to see, considering she soon solidifies herself as the most sane and intelligent crew member.

-Man they’re having too much fun torturing Ross in the second host segment. The short and this skit would make a good anti-zoo/PETA argument.

- Servo: “We leave you with this question: if you enjoy Catching Trouble in any way, there’s something wrong with you.” That’s not a question, Tom

                                                              

-Not sure if the short animated intro to the movie works better than stock footage would’ve for the movie’s intro

-With this and episode 402 The Giant Gila Monster, there’s a ton of F-Troop jokes to go around.

-No, that's not a giant dinosaur, that's an armadillo. My limit is lizards with fins taped to their back, and this is several levels past it. No.

-There's a scene where a mysterious creature approaches the cavemen's tribe, and they're not sure what it is. They discuss for a few minutes in fear about what it is and what to do about it. IT’S A GUY RIDING A HORSE YOU GODDAMN MORONS! Eesh, this movie.

-As the movie revealed it's great twist, my first thought was, "Well, at least they did it in a subtle way, without a voice over or some obvious explanation." Five minutes later, just that happens.

According the extra ‘I was a teenage caveman’ the screenwriter got an Oscar nom for man of 1000 faces

funny all the talented, doing well people in this movie. Corman seemed like a strange crossroads for people.

-I must agree with Roger Corman that "Teenage Cave Man" is a worse movie title than "Prehistoric World"


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