321 - Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Dropo, you are the laziest man on Mars!

Based on a true story.

The angry red planet isn’t a very jolly place. Maybe that’s why Martian Kimar decides that, upon seeing his children staring blankly at Earth TV programs, they need some Christmas spirit. But maybe kidnapping Santa Claus and two random children and taking them to Mars is a bit extreme. But hey, Santa’s just making presents for Earth kids, they’ve already had, what, a few thousands Christmases? Mars could use one! So what if Voldar, the mustachioed evil Martian, is an arch-conservative who likes Mars the old way, damnit! He ain’t got time for Kimar and his hippy-dippy kindness and giving nonsense! But that won’t stop Santa from spreading good will and cheer to Mar. Nor will it stop Joel, Crow, and Tom from finding the entire thing one big, low-budget, cheesy mess!

Santa Clause Conquers the Martians. Just saying it sounds absurd, like the title of a fake B-movie characters are watching in a wacky comedy (“Godzilla Goes to College” from Boy Meets World springs to mind). It makes “Mystery Science Theater 3000” sound normal. But it’s real, all right. Santa gets kidnapped by Martians to bring joy to the poor, unemotional Martian children. There’s lot of forced holiday cheer and good will, a fun loving and child-like (re: stupid) Martian named Dropo, the almost as insufferable evil mugging Voldar, and special effects left over from an elementary school’s Christmas pageant. And despite the trippy and bizarre promise of the title, it’s more a lame Christmas special stretched to full running time than a trippy 60s sci-fi flick.

Okay, it's a little trippy.

And unlike Santa Claus, which is so trippy and odd it basically hijacks Mike and the Bots, taking them and viewers for a ride, this movie is so slow, dull, and staid Joel and the Bots mostly just meander through it. But the good kind of meandering. If Santa Claus is the height of Christmas mania, the “NINTENDO 64!” hysteria of ripping open gifts, downing eggnog, and caroling, this one is the more mellow moments: of lazing by a fire after a filling Christmas dinner; of telling some cynical jokes about the holiday experience with family members who are glad the whole ordeal is almost over; of watching a goofy old Christmas special with family and, despite how dated or corny it is, enjoying it. My memories of this episode were that it was a middling one, but seeing it again reminded me that the riffing is consistently very good, with a handful of gut busters in there.

Sometimes in the Joel era, it feels like they’re holding back on being dark, and times when they oddly chose to let it all out. Here, as Tom gets really dark near the end, adding in new lines o the “Hooray for Santa Claus!” song about how Santa and the kids, on a spaceship back to earth, “They’ll die in the vacuum / They’ll burn on reentry” are some of the best moments of the episode. I feel like they held back on being this dark until the end so as not to turn off the more family friendly aspects of the show, but to me they’re how I wish the entire episode had been. Then again, my favorite Christmas movies are Bad Santa and The Nightmare Before Christmas. But there are hints of that subversive darkness throughout the episode, like when Crow, upon seeing a reporter read a story about Santa on TV, say in a cheerful tone, “Big Brother is watching, kids!” And even Joel, who sometimes gets criticized by fans for being too aw shucks, gets in one of his good cynical jabs when the Martians ask what Christmas is, and he rapid fire answers, “It’s a Christian holiday ruined by commercialism?” They also have a little fun with the Martians, who are given dumb names like Dropo and Kimar, by adding in new names like “Crankcase”, “Ringworm”, and “Lube Job”. If I have a complaint, it’s a minor nit-picky one that the riffs aren’t consistently hilarious, and that they’re only somewhat engaged while watching the movie. But there’s a pretty good reason this was put on a Rhino DVD with Manos: The Hands of Fate for a sampler collection called “The Essentials”.

And they have a lot of holiday cheer left for the host segments as well. There’s fun one where Joel lists off VHS tapes of off-brand Christmas specials like “The Christmas that Wasn’t So Bad”, the Mads make the especially evil invention “The Wish Squisher”, which does things like turn NES games into socks, and there’s even a nice one that delves into holiday cynicism as Joel and the Bots read essays on Xmas, only for Gypsy to bring it around in spectacular fashion.

What was once a box of NES games becomes...dun dun dun!

But c’mon, the standout segment and moment of the episode is Crow’s entry in the caroling canon, “Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas”, with the lyrics mostly based on camp 80s auctioneer Road House. “And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing / We’ll decorate a barstool and gather ‘round and sing!” It’s a delight, and one of the best original songs of the show.

As far as holiday episodes go, this one isn’t, to take the titles from the stack of made up VHS specials, “The Christmas That Totally Kicked Ass”, but it is “The Christmas that Totally Ruled”, and a fine way to spread some corny, insane Christmas spirit with the ones you love, or at least tolerate.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, my fellow MSTies.

Episode in a Riff:

Kimar: “We have children like you on Mars.”

Crow: “Only they’re worse actors.”

Random asides:

-This is another movie I saw parts of before seeing it on MST3K, on a UHF channel while surfing randomly one holiday night, much as how I saw bits of Santa Clause. It’s a weird experience to know there’s a movie out there called Santa Clause Conquers the Martians, because it feels like a fever dream, but that baby actually happened. Makes me understand the 60s a little bit more.

-I love the entire look of this episode, with all the lights and ornaments strung up everywhere on the SOL. I imagine Joel went all out decorating the ship, and that there’s eggnog, spiced tea, and candy everywhere. Sometimes, it seems like life on the ship is one big kid’s sleep over, only with  more esoteric references. 

-Crow and Servo have some great lines in the beginning host segments. “Parents, kids always know best. So get them whatever they want!” and Crow declaring for Christmas, “I wanna decide who lives and who dies,” are some classic lines.

-“We could destroy their planet with one blast of our Q Ray” says Voldar. Shouldn’t Spaceman Spiff be blasting these guys?

-God, I feel sorry for the actor playing Kimar the Martian dad. He’s gotta do this shit straight

-16 minutes in, there’s a joke about children’s parties and Drew Barrymore. Ah, early 90s MST jokes make me nostalgic.

-Man, are the colors washed out on this. I wish they’d gotten a better print of this movie.

-they have it out for Pia Zadora, who plays one of the kids, for some reason. I’ll have to go back to late 90s internet to know why.

-“Like a good action sequence don’t belong at Christmas?” Amen, Crow

-I hate Voldar way more than Dropo. He could be way, way m ore annoying.

-61 minutes in, Servo’s brain washing jokes include, “Tony Danza is a fine actor, Sinbad is funny, Blake Edwards makes a really great film.” Sorry, Servo, Edwards is considered a classic director as of now.

-Has anyone done a Santa Clause / John Carter fanfic? I'd pay to read that.

-Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, a Road Housing’ Ramadan, a Steel Dawn-y Solstice, and…I dunno,  a Ghost-ly Hannukah? Give me a break, it’s a busy time of year.

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1108 - Loves of Hercules

Tell me, if the gods are placated at last? If after endless labors, I shall have peace.

Leading up to the release of Season 11, one of the biggest things running through my mind was, “what movies will they show?” And a large part of me really hoped they’d add in one of the Italian sword-and-sandal or “peplum” style movie, as Hercules vs. the Moon Men is not only one of my favorite episodes, but the first I ever saw. And I was not disappointed to see Italian-French co-production The Loves of Hercules on the Netflix roster. But, with Season 11’s sweep of changes, how would it fair? I’d say about as fair as its stars, muscleman Mickey Hargitay and buxom beauty Jayne Mansfield (both of whom were married at the time): nice to look at and fun to watch, but not most substantive of experiments.

                                                                 

After his wife Megara is murdered and his village slaughtered by rat-tailed Billy Ray Cyrus look-alike Licos, Hercules (Hargitay) goes to avenge himself on the warring kingdom Escalia but falls in love with its queen, Deianira (Mansfield). See, her dad was the king who ordered the slaughter of Herc’s village, but he was set up and betrayed by the Licos guy. And then Herc immediately falls in love with Deianira, though his wife has been dead for like a day. But, can he forgive her for what her people did to him? And will the innocent Deianira be forgiven and followed by her people, who demand justice for such a wrong? And if you think that’s confusing, wait until the movie runs from one bonkers plot point to another, including Deianira’s other suitor Occulo, Hyppolita, Queen of the Amazons, a royal coup, and a big ol; paper-mache parade float dragon, all tying back to Herc wanting to boink Deianira. Only unlike, say, a movie where a hero is trying to foil a villain’s plan, here it’s Herc trying to nail Deianira, complicated by the usual Greek myth chicanery. It’s all colorful and cheesy pomp, but with a little bit of Italian budget and flair to make it more watchable than say a comparable Corman flick. Plus, it has legit Greek ruins and stuff in it, too. It’s fun, fast paced, nonsensical, and a genuine hoot. 

Better than lame CGI...at least, more unintentionally funny.

So it’s a shame that a more hilarious episode doesn’t result from it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s funny and never boring. But the riffs are only consistently good, but never consistently hilarious. And now that I’ve said that, wow, do I realize what an insane standard I was holding this episode and the show to. Damn. But hey, this is my completely biased, opinionated MST3K review blog, I can have whatever unreasonable standards I want! And It’s not that this episode isn’t funny. The riffs are about at the standard of the movie: light, fluffy, funny, but never as good as, say, Hercules Unchained. For instance, when Herc fights the Hydra prop, Crow opines, “It’s gonna take a lot of duct tape to fix this Hydra.” There’s also a lame joke about live tweeting a fight and Servo chanting “Swipe left, swipe left!” as Hercules eyes Hyppolita. There’s also a kind of season 1-2 awkwardness in the riffing that I though the revival had moved passed; times where it feels like they’re just waiting for a time code to recite a riff rather than that they’re actively watching and engaged with the movie. Maybe the tight production schedule ground them down, or maybe this episode was produced earlier, I don’t know. But the smooth professionalism that’s in Beast of Hollow Mountain feels, at times, forced and mechanical here.  

They also don’t make the most of the opportunities of the movie. No riffs on other Greek or Roman myths, references to the older Hercules episodes, They start doing a good Mickey Hargitay impression, but it never rises beyond just saying silly things in his voice. It’s not like in Space Mutiny, where they take Dave Ryder and make an entire new character with their impression. Considering how amiably dumb and goofy Hargitay is, and that he’s playing Hercules, it feels like a major missed opportunity. And I think they only make one or two jokes about Mickey’s strongman 50s career and his and Mansfield’s relationship. They even get close to that, when they sing Pearl Jam songs when Hargitay looks his most Eddie Vedderest, but man they don’t run with it like they could. An episode full of Strongman, Lunk-headed Eddie Vedder jokes would’ve killed me! That said, they don’t overdo jokes about Hargitay and Mansfield being married, either, and there are no forced Mariska references I can recall, so bullet dodged there. They also only do a handful of “puppet show” jokes where the silhouettes interact with the screen, like Servo spying on a changing Mansfield, and while I appreciate they don’t overdo it, it’s the lack of inventiveness in them that’s the most telling.

And again, don’t get me wrong, there are some funny and intelligent riffs here. When a rampaging bull charges and the camera closes in on Mansfield, Jonah says, “Russ Meyer presents Ferdinand as you’ve never seen him!” Man, that’s a good, film nerdy, funny riff. Then, there’s goof old fashioned goofy jokes like, upon seeing the goofy feather-headed outfits the Amazons wear, Servo says, “Welcome to the Chicken Spa: Bawk!”. And there’s a chariot chase scene and Crow says, “Wow, early Mario Kart was really different” that kills me. And despite my complaining, they do make some good use of Mickey’s accent, like when someone says, “You would detest that woman,” to Hercules, and Jonah says, “I’ma not good at de tests!” It’s just not consistently hilarious, just okay.  

Next time someone complains about women's costumes or superheroine outfits, show them one of these movies. Back in the day, it was equal opportunity hot pants, according to my girlfriend.

The host segments are fine too, but not spectacular. The one where the bots punish Jonah by tying him to a plank of wood and hurling things at him, as happens to Mansfield in the movie, is goofy fun. But for the one where it’s Jonah and the Bots pretending to be Dianera’s gaggle of girls, gossiping about Herc is a hoot. It seems like a fun, typical bit, then it swerves when a man, played by Jonah’s new robot M. Waverly, shows up, and Gypsy, Crow and Tom have none of it. They immediately take M. Waverly off-screen and beat him senseless, putting an end to any potential messing with the show, and show Jonah they’re in charge and call him “new fish”. It’s a great swerve that also sends up what some fans feared might happen in the new version of the show. 

"Pinky, M. Waverly, and the Brain"

I hate saying that a new episode featuring one of my favorite genres riffed by MST doesn’t live up to my expectations, but it doesn’t. It feels less like Jonah and the Bots are making the movie their own and more like they're just adding to it. That said, it’s still a goofy, fun sword-and-sandals movie riffed on by the SOL crew, and that’s always a recipe for a good, bewildering, time. And I’ll be real honest, this episode could actually be really good and I’m just holding it to an insanely high, personal standard. I had a lot of fun watching this one and laughed out loud more than once, and my list of riffs that miss is minuscule compared to the ones that work. Maybe in the future on a rewatch I’ll rate it higher. And if anyone wants to convince me this one’s a new classic, I’m all ears! But right now, it’s just a fun episode. And only my most nitpicky inner fan would list that as a complaint. See this one, enjoy it, and decide for yourself.

Episode in a Riff:

Upon seeing pink smoke: “See that pink smoke? Nowadays, all this would be done in CGI, which I feel is cold and sterile." -Jonah

"Yeah, you don't get the warmth of these shots of incompetent people trying their very hardest."

Random Asides:
-This was the first Jonah episode I'd seen in a while, and my first review in over a month. After watching only classics for a while, the beginning segment was a good, welcoming sign. I love the "guys shooting the shit on the SOL" aspect of the show, and it's nice seeing Gypsy get in on it, too.

-I've never seen Wings.

-Also, having only seen classic eps for a while, the new seat silhouettes come across as very smooth an unobtrusive. I have to be honest, as nostalgic as I am for the originals, the new ones are better.

-"Pecs and Princesses" is a great term to add to "sword and sorcery" and "sword and sandals". 

-A lot of people don't know, but many Italian "Hercules" movies aren't about the Herc, but an old Italian strongman characer named Maciste. Hercules Against the Moon Men, for example, has Maciste dubbed into Herc. This one, however, is the classic Greek myth bad boy. But an Italian Hercules without a beard? Blasphemy!

-The "Axe Throwing" judgemnet is such a weird thing these movies do, like the pressing spike machine in Herc Against the Mooninites. I love the bizarre additions like that. 

-"Why am I tied to a wall?" Life on the SOL, Jonah.

-"For the crime of not wanting to have cold spaghetti thrown on you...guilty!"

-As is the case of many of these movies, the villain's plan is incredibly complicated and dumb. I think his goal is the crown of Escalia, but he goes about it in such a circuitous fashion! Just kill everyone and claim yourself king, how hard is that?! Then again, part of his plan involved marrying Jayne Mansfield, so not a bad plan.

-This movie is gorgeous! And I don't just mean Mansfield. The bright colors, goofy plot, an dall the action make it fun to watch. 

-This episode, Max actually reveals the name of the theater they've been watching for almost 30 years is indeed called "The Mystery Science Theater", and does it in one of the "commercial breaks". It'd be almost an anticlimactic reveal, were it not for the fact that it's just a show and I should rally just relax!

-If there's a way to combine the cheesy, fantastical Italian fantasy movies with giant monster Kaiju flicks, I need to find a way!

-The Hydra fight is a perfect way to show how bad lighting and camera work can't hide special effects failure. 

-Is anything about Hercules meeting Hyppolita mythologically accurate? 

-Why on earth do they call him Jupiter and not Zeus if this is a Greek myth movie? Then again, "Hercules" is the Roman version of "Herakles", but whatever. 

-The movie's IMDB page and the Netflix subtitles identify Deianira as Achilles, but he clearly says something like "Occulo." I'm going with that.

-Also, why is Iolaus, Herc's nephew, like 60 in this?

-Does every single one of these movies have a 20 minute segment where Hercules is under the thrall of a magical hot chick? 

-Best of the Bots' reactions to M. Waverly: "You can't Raven Simone us!", "C3P I don't think So!"

-Licos, the movie's main villain, is killed by a random monster that shows up at the end for Herc to fight. Lame. 

-Would you fight Hercules for Jayne Mansfield? Hell yeah, I would!


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