321 - Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Dropo, you are the laziest man on Mars!

Based on a true story.

The angry red planet isn’t a very jolly place. Maybe that’s why Martian Kimar decides that, upon seeing his children staring blankly at Earth TV programs, they need some Christmas spirit. But maybe kidnapping Santa Claus and two random children and taking them to Mars is a bit extreme. But hey, Santa’s just making presents for Earth kids, they’ve already had, what, a few thousands Christmases? Mars could use one! So what if Voldar, the mustachioed evil Martian, is an arch-conservative who likes Mars the old way, damnit! He ain’t got time for Kimar and his hippy-dippy kindness and giving nonsense! But that won’t stop Santa from spreading good will and cheer to Mar. Nor will it stop Joel, Crow, and Tom from finding the entire thing one big, low-budget, cheesy mess!

Santa Clause Conquers the Martians. Just saying it sounds absurd, like the title of a fake B-movie characters are watching in a wacky comedy (“Godzilla Goes to College” from Boy Meets World springs to mind). It makes “Mystery Science Theater 3000” sound normal. But it’s real, all right. Santa gets kidnapped by Martians to bring joy to the poor, unemotional Martian children. There’s lot of forced holiday cheer and good will, a fun loving and child-like (re: stupid) Martian named Dropo, the almost as insufferable evil mugging Voldar, and special effects left over from an elementary school’s Christmas pageant. And despite the trippy and bizarre promise of the title, it’s more a lame Christmas special stretched to full running time than a trippy 60s sci-fi flick.

Okay, it's a little trippy.

And unlike Santa Claus, which is so trippy and odd it basically hijacks Mike and the Bots, taking them and viewers for a ride, this movie is so slow, dull, and staid Joel and the Bots mostly just meander through it. But the good kind of meandering. If Santa Claus is the height of Christmas mania, the “NINTENDO 64!” hysteria of ripping open gifts, downing eggnog, and caroling, this one is the more mellow moments: of lazing by a fire after a filling Christmas dinner; of telling some cynical jokes about the holiday experience with family members who are glad the whole ordeal is almost over; of watching a goofy old Christmas special with family and, despite how dated or corny it is, enjoying it. My memories of this episode were that it was a middling one, but seeing it again reminded me that the riffing is consistently very good, with a handful of gut busters in there.

Sometimes in the Joel era, it feels like they’re holding back on being dark, and times when they oddly chose to let it all out. Here, as Tom gets really dark near the end, adding in new lines o the “Hooray for Santa Claus!” song about how Santa and the kids, on a spaceship back to earth, “They’ll die in the vacuum / They’ll burn on reentry” are some of the best moments of the episode. I feel like they held back on being this dark until the end so as not to turn off the more family friendly aspects of the show, but to me they’re how I wish the entire episode had been. Then again, my favorite Christmas movies are Bad Santa and The Nightmare Before Christmas. But there are hints of that subversive darkness throughout the episode, like when Crow, upon seeing a reporter read a story about Santa on TV, say in a cheerful tone, “Big Brother is watching, kids!” And even Joel, who sometimes gets criticized by fans for being too aw shucks, gets in one of his good cynical jabs when the Martians ask what Christmas is, and he rapid fire answers, “It’s a Christian holiday ruined by commercialism?” They also have a little fun with the Martians, who are given dumb names like Dropo and Kimar, by adding in new names like “Crankcase”, “Ringworm”, and “Lube Job”. If I have a complaint, it’s a minor nit-picky one that the riffs aren’t consistently hilarious, and that they’re only somewhat engaged while watching the movie. But there’s a pretty good reason this was put on a Rhino DVD with Manos: The Hands of Fate for a sampler collection called “The Essentials”.

And they have a lot of holiday cheer left for the host segments as well. There’s fun one where Joel lists off VHS tapes of off-brand Christmas specials like “The Christmas that Wasn’t So Bad”, the Mads make the especially evil invention “The Wish Squisher”, which does things like turn NES games into socks, and there’s even a nice one that delves into holiday cynicism as Joel and the Bots read essays on Xmas, only for Gypsy to bring it around in spectacular fashion.

What was once a box of NES games becomes...dun dun dun!

But c’mon, the standout segment and moment of the episode is Crow’s entry in the caroling canon, “Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas”, with the lyrics mostly based on camp 80s auctioneer Road House. “And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing / We’ll decorate a barstool and gather ‘round and sing!” It’s a delight, and one of the best original songs of the show.

As far as holiday episodes go, this one isn’t, to take the titles from the stack of made up VHS specials, “The Christmas That Totally Kicked Ass”, but it is “The Christmas that Totally Ruled”, and a fine way to spread some corny, insane Christmas spirit with the ones you love, or at least tolerate.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, my fellow MSTies.

Episode in a Riff:

Kimar: “We have children like you on Mars.”

Crow: “Only they’re worse actors.”

Random asides:

-This is another movie I saw parts of before seeing it on MST3K, on a UHF channel while surfing randomly one holiday night, much as how I saw bits of Santa Clause. It’s a weird experience to know there’s a movie out there called Santa Clause Conquers the Martians, because it feels like a fever dream, but that baby actually happened. Makes me understand the 60s a little bit more.

-I love the entire look of this episode, with all the lights and ornaments strung up everywhere on the SOL. I imagine Joel went all out decorating the ship, and that there’s eggnog, spiced tea, and candy everywhere. Sometimes, it seems like life on the ship is one big kid’s sleep over, only with  more esoteric references. 

-Crow and Servo have some great lines in the beginning host segments. “Parents, kids always know best. So get them whatever they want!” and Crow declaring for Christmas, “I wanna decide who lives and who dies,” are some classic lines.

-“We could destroy their planet with one blast of our Q Ray” says Voldar. Shouldn’t Spaceman Spiff be blasting these guys?

-God, I feel sorry for the actor playing Kimar the Martian dad. He’s gotta do this shit straight

-16 minutes in, there’s a joke about children’s parties and Drew Barrymore. Ah, early 90s MST jokes make me nostalgic.

-Man, are the colors washed out on this. I wish they’d gotten a better print of this movie.

-they have it out for Pia Zadora, who plays one of the kids, for some reason. I’ll have to go back to late 90s internet to know why.

-“Like a good action sequence don’t belong at Christmas?” Amen, Crow

-I hate Voldar way more than Dropo. He could be way, way m ore annoying.

-61 minutes in, Servo’s brain washing jokes include, “Tony Danza is a fine actor, Sinbad is funny, Blake Edwards makes a really great film.” Sorry, Servo, Edwards is considered a classic director as of now.

-Has anyone done a Santa Clause / John Carter fanfic? I'd pay to read that.

-Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, a Road Housing’ Ramadan, a Steel Dawn-y Solstice, and…I dunno,  a Ghost-ly Hannukah? Give me a break, it’s a busy time of year.

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