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Sunday, February 24, 2019

605 - Colossus and the Headhunters

They cut off the heads of their enemies, and used them to decorate their village.

Sorry, not featuring Peter Rasputin from the X-Men.

As I’ve said before, the Italian Hercules / peplum movies make some of my favorite MST3k episodes. Like the best lasagna, a combination of ingredients that makes for a delicious time of riffing: layers of color sets and action; beefy guys and tasty babes; and perhaps most importantly, heaps of cheese for Joel, Mike, and the Bots to feast on.  But, not every Italian meal is a perfect dish from a 4 star, authentic restaurant: some you pull the plastic wrapping off, microwave on high for four minutes, and they just do the job, but that’s it. But even those have a little bit of cheesy goodness to enjoy.

Colossus and the Headhunters is something like that as far as MST episodes go: not one of the best, but it does the trick. Unlike other sword and sandals movies featured on the show, and in spite of the title, this time the main character is actually dubbed correctly as Maciste, instead of being renamed “Hercules” or “Colossus” or “Samson.”. Here, Maciste is out sailing the seas and comes upon and island. No sooner has he landed, though, that the volcano comprising most of the island explodes, and Maciste takes all the survivors he can to his raft and sets sail on an unsure sea to save them. Or, actually, the movie starts with the island exploding, and then Maciste pops up out of some shrubs, and we’re later told he arrived there a....y’know what? Let’s just keep going, because soon he and the survivors land on another island, but are captured. It turns out this island full of other people who also need saving from a rival group, the title-mentioned headhunters, led by a scheming advisor names Kermit (actually Kermes, but I’m not passing up this chance up!). So Maciste has to save two groups of survivors from violent headhunters and stop a war. He does this mainly by romancing the queen, letting other characters do most of the fighting, and occasionally lifting some heavy objects.

Just because there's action doesn't really mean things happen, though.
 
So I googled this movie when researching for the review, and one of the reviews for it derided it as bad even for a peplum movie. And it is pretty bargain basement. There’s hunky guys and some cute women and lots of fights and that’s about it. There’ aren’t any fun monsters or lavish sets, just cheaply painted tents and a quarry doubling as the headhunter’s HQ, unless you count the abandoned castle used as...an abandoned castle. Wow. At least the fights, repetitious as they are, are done with some gusto and feel more bone crunching and harsh than some lighter, modern action movie fare.

But if it sounds like there’s not a lot to this movie, it’s because there isn’t. And that makes for a sparse meal for Mike and the Bots. There’s the usual peplum stuff they have fun with, like when the buff Maciste walks around, and Crow says, “I’m gonna atrophy if I don’t lift! Can I bench press one of you guys?” Oh and don’t forget the typical goofy costumes, like when an extra in a silly hat shows up, and Tom says, in his best lazy teenager voice, “Welcome to Trojan Burger, may I take your order?” It’s nothing bad or terribly unfunny by any means, and they remain in a good mood throughout, but just okay for the majority of the movie, and nothing consistently hilarious.

I still like this movie better than Wedding Crashers.

Until the wedding, that is, when Queen Amoha is forced into a wedding with the evil Kermes. Then, the wedding jokes come out and Mike and the Bots have a blast! When the Queen’s kidnapped and blackmailed father consents to the wedding, Crow says, “But the children can’t be raised headhunters.” And as Maciste leads a battle to stop the wedding, Tom notes, “Isn’t this typical, best man gets in a fight.” Mike follows that up with, “Small town Wisconsin wedding.” For anyone who’s been stuck at a wedding to people they’re not particularly close to, it rings home, and the episode really comes alive during the wedding. They also have fun with how Queen Amoha stalls at the wedding to pad out the run time I mean give Maciste time to rescue her. After one of the Queen’s friends dances for like five straight minutes, Kermes says, “The gods thank you,” followed by Tome screaming, “Now, GET OUT!” And then Mike follows that up with, “And now for the traditional viewing of Berlin Alexanderplatz.” 


The life of a pet owner.

But the adage that how involved the writers are in the movie shows in the host segments rings true, since not a one features anything relating to the movie. Instead, this episode introduces Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter, the Mads’ attempt to create the world’s most adorable pet, and thus rule through its cuteness. It is cute enough, for a pink fuzzy puppet, and it’s fun seeing Mike go gaga for him, and Frank’s son as he pines for Nummy’s return is great. Even better are the Bots’ exasperation at Mike’s adoration of him. They’re skits that help the episode stand out.

I watched this one on a rainy Sunday, and that’s a pretty apt summation of this one. It’s not an all-time classic or personal favorite like Hercules Againstthe Moon Men, but on a lazy rainy afternoon, it’s a good episode to revisit.



Episode In a Riff
It’s not a plot point, it’s not an action scene, what is it? -Mike


Random Asides.

-The episode really does get good during the wedding, and makes me wish there was a wedding themed movie for them to riff through. I mean, c’mon, who hasn’t sat through a boring wedding and just joked to get through it? Imagine doing that with Bots!

-To be honest, Crow deserves what he gets for hiring Tom to do his taxes.

-”Wait a minute, 8 times 7 isn’t 200?”
“Fair enough.”
“6 times 3 isn’t 200 either!”
“Do your own taxes!”

-Frank’s childish tantrums over wanting Nummy Muffin back kill me. 


-Usually, it’s the Bots acting silly and childish about something, so it’s fun seeing Mike being the irrational one.

-Mike: “I miss Nummy already.”
Tome: “He slobbers and he smells bad.”

-I was really surprised he’s called Maciste in this movie, after being redubbed as Hercules in Against the Moon Men. But what kind of Italian peplum hero doesn’t have a beard?!

-So, the movie starts with Maciste rescuing a group of people from a volcanic island that’s erupting, only to take them to an island where another group of people need rescuing from the headhunters. Why not just start the movie there and skip the first group of people?

-Even by Italian sword and sandal movies, this one feels cheap. The volcano is just a miniature and styrofoam boulders, the sets are mainly tents, fields, and quarries, and there's not a monster to be seen. That said, there is an old castle standing in as....an old castle.

-The special feature on the DVD is Mike by Joel, as Joel discusses the transition from him to Mike as host. It’s fascinating because you see how much they all did early on, from writers making the sets and hanging the lights. And according to Joel, J. Elvis Weinstein picked out Mike for the show from open mic in Minneapolis, which is how they often found other writers. Mike brought in Bridget Jones, who brought in Mary Jo Pehl! It’s interesting seeing Joel’s take on the who Joel vs Mike controversy, and how he hoped they’d have picked a woman or person of color instead of “just another doughy midwestern guy,” and some of the ideas tossed around included a sex change ray turning Joel into Bridget! That said, Mike was of course a great choice.

-Joel compares him and the Bots to Dave Seville and the Chipmunks. Very apropos. And, as he said Kevin and Trace had seniority over Mike at the time, that’s how Mike’s relationship with the Bots came to be. Fun!


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