They cut off the heads of their enemies,
and used them to decorate their village.
 |
| Sorry, not featuring Peter Rasputin from the X-Men. |
As
I’ve said before, the Italian Hercules / peplum movies make some of my favorite
MST3k episodes. Like the best lasagna, a combination of ingredients that makes
for a delicious time of riffing: layers of color sets and action; beefy guys
and tasty babes; and perhaps most importantly, heaps of cheese for Joel, Mike,
and the Bots to feast on. But, not every
Italian meal is a perfect dish from a 4 star, authentic restaurant: some you
pull the plastic wrapping off, microwave on high for four minutes, and they
just do the job, but that’s it. But even those have a little bit of cheesy
goodness to enjoy.
Colossus
and the Headhunters
is something like that as far as MST episodes go: not one of the best, but it
does the trick. Unlike other sword and sandals movies featured on the show, and
in spite of the title, this time the main character is actually dubbed
correctly as Maciste, instead of being renamed “Hercules” or “Colossus” or
“Samson.”. Here, Maciste is out sailing the seas and comes upon and island. No
sooner has he landed, though, that the volcano comprising most of the island
explodes, and Maciste takes all the survivors he can to his raft and sets sail
on an unsure sea to save them. Or, actually, the movie starts with the island
exploding, and then Maciste pops up out of some shrubs, and we’re later told he
arrived there a....y’know what? Let’s just keep going, because soon he and the
survivors land on another island, but are captured. It turns out this island
full of other people who also need saving from a rival group, the
title-mentioned headhunters, led by a scheming advisor names Kermit (actually
Kermes, but I’m not passing up this chance up!). So Maciste has to save two
groups of survivors from violent headhunters and stop a war. He does this
mainly by romancing the queen, letting other characters do most of the
fighting, and occasionally lifting some heavy objects.
 |
| Just because there's action doesn't really mean things happen, though. |
So
I googled this movie when researching for the review, and one of the reviews
for it derided it as bad even for a peplum movie. And it is pretty bargain
basement. There’s hunky guys and some cute women and lots of fights and that’s
about it. There’ aren’t any fun monsters or lavish sets, just cheaply painted
tents and a quarry doubling as the headhunter’s HQ, unless you count the
abandoned castle used as...an abandoned castle. Wow. At least the fights,
repetitious as they are, are done with some gusto and feel more bone crunching
and harsh than some lighter, modern action movie fare.
But
if it sounds like there’s not a lot to this movie, it’s because there isn’t.
And that makes for a sparse meal for Mike and the Bots. There’s the usual
peplum stuff they have fun with, like when the buff Maciste walks around, and
Crow says, “I’m gonna atrophy if I don’t lift! Can I bench press one of you
guys?” Oh and don’t forget the typical goofy costumes, like when an extra in a
silly hat shows up, and Tom says, in his best lazy teenager voice, “Welcome to
Trojan Burger, may I take your order?” It’s nothing bad or terribly unfunny by
any means, and they remain in a good mood throughout, but just okay for the
majority of the movie, and nothing consistently hilarious.
 |
| I still like this movie better than Wedding Crashers. |
Until
the wedding, that is, when Queen Amoha is forced into a wedding with the evil
Kermes. Then, the wedding jokes come out and Mike and the Bots have a blast!
When the Queen’s kidnapped and blackmailed father consents to the wedding, Crow
says, “But the children can’t be raised headhunters.” And as Maciste leads a
battle to stop the wedding, Tom notes, “Isn’t this typical, best man gets in a
fight.” Mike follows that up with, “Small town Wisconsin wedding.” For anyone
who’s been stuck at a wedding to people they’re not particularly close to, it
rings home, and the episode really comes alive during the wedding. They also
have fun with how Queen Amoha stalls at the wedding to pad out the run time I
mean give Maciste time to rescue her. After one of the Queen’s friends dances
for like five straight minutes, Kermes says, “The gods thank you,” followed by
Tome screaming, “Now, GET OUT!” And then Mike follows that up with, “And now for
the traditional viewing of Berlin Alexanderplatz.”
 |
| The life of a pet owner. |
But
the adage that how involved the writers are in the movie shows in the host
segments rings true, since not a one features anything relating to the movie.
Instead, this episode introduces Nummy Muffin Coocol Butter, the Mads’ attempt
to create the world’s most adorable pet, and thus rule through its cuteness. It
is cute enough, for a pink fuzzy puppet, and it’s fun seeing Mike go gaga for
him, and Frank’s son as he pines for Nummy’s return is great. Even better are
the Bots’ exasperation at Mike’s adoration of him. They’re skits that help the
episode stand out.
I
watched this one on a rainy Sunday, and that’s a pretty apt summation of this
one. It’s not an all-time classic or personal favorite like Hercules Againstthe Moon Men, but on a lazy rainy afternoon, it’s a good episode to revisit.
Episode
In a Riff
It’s
not a plot point, it’s not an action scene, what is it? -Mike
Random
Asides.
-The
episode really does get good during the wedding, and makes me wish there was a
wedding themed movie for them to riff through. I mean, c’mon, who hasn’t sat
through a boring wedding and just joked to get through it? Imagine doing that
with Bots!
-To
be honest, Crow deserves what he gets for hiring Tom to do his taxes.
-”Wait
a minute, 8 times 7 isn’t 200?”
“Fair
enough.”
“6
times 3 isn’t 200 either!”
“Do
your own taxes!”
-Frank’s
childish tantrums over wanting Nummy Muffin back kill me.
-Usually,
it’s the Bots acting silly and childish about something, so it’s fun seeing
Mike being the irrational one.
-Mike:
“I miss Nummy already.”
Tome:
“He slobbers and he smells bad.”
-I
was really surprised he’s called Maciste in this movie, after being redubbed as
Hercules in Against the Moon Men. But what kind of Italian peplum hero
doesn’t have a beard?!
-So,
the movie starts with Maciste rescuing a group of people from a volcanic island
that’s erupting, only to take them to an island where another group of people
need rescuing from the headhunters. Why not just start the movie there and skip
the first group of people?
-Even by Italian sword and sandal movies, this one feels cheap. The volcano is just a miniature and styrofoam boulders, the sets are mainly tents, fields, and quarries, and there's not a monster to be seen. That said, there is an old castle standing in as....an old castle.
-The
special feature on the DVD is Mike by Joel, as Joel discusses the transition
from him to Mike as host. It’s fascinating because you see how much they all
did early on, from writers making the sets and hanging the lights. And
according to Joel, J. Elvis Weinstein picked out Mike for the show from open
mic in Minneapolis, which is how they often found other writers. Mike brought
in Bridget Jones, who brought in Mary Jo Pehl! It’s interesting seeing Joel’s
take on the who Joel vs Mike controversy, and how he hoped they’d have picked a
woman or person of color instead of “just another doughy midwestern guy,” and
some of the ideas tossed around included a sex change ray turning Joel into
Bridget! That said, Mike was of course a great choice.
-Joel
compares him and the Bots to Dave Seville and the Chipmunks. Very apropos. And,
as he said Kevin and Trace had seniority over Mike at the time, that’s how
Mike’s relationship with the Bots came to be. Fun!
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