622 - Angels Revenge

Women CAN make a difference!

This movie has a plot n' stuff.

Man, there are some episodes of MST3K that just stick with you. I think I’ve watched Angels’ Revenge, a Charlie’s Angels rip-off with about seven sexy women out to take out a drug ring, about a few hundred times  But, it’s been a while since I’ve seen it. Does it still hold up? Can I still recite most of the riffs by heart? Oh, yeah.

Bobby is a young boy with a drug problem: namely, he gets beaten up for stealing from his pusher. His relative, singer Michelle Wilson, is... you know what? Let’s back up. The movie starts with an action scene of Michelle, Bobby’s teacher April, and four other hot women in tight, cleavage friendly jumpsuits storming a drug-processing plant and fighting drug makers with the worst fight choreography ever. The drug pusher is played by Jack Palance, in one of the roles that makes you understand why he apparently never watched his own films. There, that’s the movie. All the drug stuff and endangered relatives who never show up again are just a pretense so that hot women can run around pretend fighting bad guys while slumming character actors make appearances. 

A reminder: this man was in Shane and Batman and won an Oscar.

The question isn’t how good is this movie for MST3K, but how could it be any better? Some movies have one or two elements that make them ripe for riffing, but Angels’ Revenge has about ten movies’ worth. You get an all time classic! Ridiculous plot? How about seven hot, multiracial women joining together to fight drug dealers in an obvious Charlie’s Angels rip off?  Goofy and dumb elements? When the women fight, the accompanying sound effects are “boinks” and “sproings” out of a Saturday morning cartoon. Terrible performances? This has Jim Backus of Gilligan’s Island fame playing a far-right militia leader and a very, very inebriated Peter Lawford as the drug kingpin. God, there’s even a disco song sung by one of the women! Oh, and don’t forget that the movie is from what may be the MST3K writers’ favorite era: the 70s. The movie also has a brisk pace, moving from one dumb moment to the next, keeping the pain coming. 

Some poor guy in the audience: "I saw this instead of Led Zepplin."

 

Needless to say, Mike and the Bots are bemused, befuddled, entertained, enraged, and disgusted by this movie. Any movie that makes them have just one of those reactions tends to make for a good episode, but all those and more? Just their visceral reactions are as funny as any riffs they make. And oh, do they make some fantastic jokes. There’s of course digs at the gratuitous nature of the flick, like when there’s a group shot of the movie’s fine ladies, Mike asks in a girly voice,  “Okay, who’s not thrusting?” Tom calls their souped-up battle van, “Knight Rider, for moms!”  And when the movie’s shining musical number “Shine Shine Shine Your Love” is played to a racous Vegas crowd, Crow says, “This audience would riot if they saw KC and the Sunshine Band!” They are full invested in riffing on this movie from frame one and never, ever let up. 

They should've brought this invention back.

 

Oh, I thought of a second thing to nitpick: the host segments aren’t very good. They’re not bad, mind you, but almost all of them are based around some loose 70s ephemera rolling around in the back of the writers’ heads, loosely connected to the decade the hunk of cinema cheese is from. Mike dresses as the Fonz and the Mads dress as 70s relief pitchers. Crow does write a blacksploitation film, though, and its funny seeing him, Mike, Tom, and Gypsy in 70s outfits, but that’s about it.

Mike's suit is nice, at least.

 Again, I had to nitpick to find anything wrong with this one. This is one of my favorite episodes, one of the best they’ve ever done, and would even make a great entry episode for people new to the show. Either way, watch this one the next time you get the chance.

Episode in a riff:

This movie is a shrine for 7^th grade boys! -Crow

Random Asides:

-Bill Corbett’s first episode as a writer! Wow.

-I’m really not the type to pick between Joel or Mike as hosts (Jonah’s on his way, don’t worry). That said, some movies fit one of the hosts better, and I think Mike’s sarcasm and acerbic wit fit this semi-sleazy piece of 70s slop better than Joel’s goofy delivery would’ve.

-according to MST Wiki, there’s an entire cut segment featuring Nevelle Brand. Just a good reminder than the MST version of a movie isn’t the whole thing (see also: entire monster fights cut from Gamera movies, R rated parts trimmed from Squirm, etc)

-When I was rewatching this episode for review, I’d been house and pet sitting, and it was about the most human contact outside of my girlfriend I’d had in days. Ah, so nice.

-”I, of all people, Crow T. Robot, have amnesia!”

-Crow singing Eric Carmen was pretty nice.

-This episode came out near the end of Mike’s first full season as a host, and he and the crew are riding high.

-The first host segment is based around Mike being turned into the star of the TV show Renegade. Just one of many pop cultural references I know only because of this show. Also, fairly certain MST3K”s cultural clout is larger than that show’s.

-Jack Palance looks the damn same for about 20-30 years of his career: old and haggard. He wears it well.

-I would’ve killed to have seen Crow’s blacksploitation movie Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk.

-Just to recap, at the 20 minute mark, this movie has had scantily clad women assault a desert compound, a kid gets beat up by a drug dealer, and then a woman stings a terrible disco song. First. 20. Minutes.

-Of all the TV character actors who slum into this picture, Alan Hale Jr. comes off the best, or at least the least-bad.

-A couple questions: 1. How did they get April the schoolteacher’s fingerprints off wire cutters left outside in the dirt. 2. Why was she in the system?!

-The scene where Kako tortures the drug dealer who’s been hanged upside down by slicing in between his legs with a katana is like something out of a Tarantino movie, but worse. Ouch!

-Was Arthur Godfrey known for being a creep or something? They make a ton of jokes about him skeezing on Michelle in her dressing room and making lewd phone calls to her. Anyone with more knowledge of 50s-70s showbiz k now?

-Tom: “Even a run of the mill palooka like Crow could tell you there were a lot of shameful performances in today’s movie!” Crow: ‘He’s right, I could!”

-The final joke in the movie is a group shot of the girls, and Mike asking, "Hey, where was Bruce Jenner in this?" and Tom replying, "he's the one on the left." Who among the writers has a time machine?

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MST3K 30th Anniversary Show!

I've got my tickets, have you got yours?!

510 - The Painted HIlls

C'mon, girl!

"One day, all the Timmys in all the wells will look up and shout, 'Save us!' and I'll whisper, "No.'"

MST3K and Lassie. What happens when two titans of entertainment meet? I’ll be honest, I never cared for Lassie. “Lassie’s king!” I hear you say, quoting an obscure Space Ghost: Coast to Coast episode. But it’s true. Maybe it’s how corny they were, or my childhood aversion to live action entertainment that didn’t involved giant monsters or aliens, but it just never held any appeal to me. But Joel and the Bots riffing on a Lassie movie? Yeah, I’m down for that. The question is, how into it are they? Let’s just say that anytime a main character doesn’t speak and gives them the opportunity to, hilarity ensues.

Lassie, the male dog playing a female dog, here plays Shep, Shep’s owner Jonathon is a professional ol’ timey prospector searching for gold who strikes it rich. However, his partner dies, leaving a widow and young son Tommy. Jonathon leaves Shep with Tommy as a Christmas gift to cheer him up, and makes a new partner in Taylor. However, Taylor starts getting the Gold Fever, as vaccination wasn’t readily available for it back then, and begins acting a little suspicious around Jonathon and Tommy. Luckily, Shep is there to keep Taylor in line. But, what about when the colossal collie isn’t around?

There's a captivating 20 minute segment halfway in when Lassie acts as a mediator in the whole gold rush plot.

The movie is harmless corny 50s family entertainment, not as well made as Disney movies of the time but far from the worst treacly tripe the 80s and 90s could produce. Its earnest, a little silly, tame for a movie set in the Old West, family friendly, and stars a dog. Yeah, it’s a good fit for the Satellite of Love, but not a great one. You get goofy jokes like when the narrator asks, “What lies in the heart of  dog?”  in the beginning, to which Crow answers, “Heartworms!” You’ve got dark digs at the material, like when Tommy cries and asks why his dad had to die, Joel suggests, “You m ust have done something wrong, Tommy.” And of course there’s obscure references like a shot of Jonathon’s cabin in the woods and Tom saying, “I was born in the house my father built.” Add in weird characters like old evangelist Pilot Pete and you’ve got a lot for the show to work with.

But the thing they have the most fun with is that the main character is a big name like Lassie, and one who doesn’t speak, either. They turn her into a hard drinker, when a barkeep asks if she wants anything, Lassie barks, and Joel adds, “Jim Beam, rocks!” And when she sees Jonathon pushed to his death, Crow wonders, “How am I gonna explain this in just barks?” Unfortunately, most of the jokes are them wondering as Lassie if anyone has any snuasages. which isn’t the greatest running joke they’ve ever done.

No, this is an episode where the short steals the whole episode. Body Care and Grooming is another example of educational shorts about white people being taught how to be even whiter in the 50s, this time through good grooming habits. And they feed on it like jackals on a zebra carcass. “Ah, Spring...” pines the narrator; Crow responds, “Filthy, shameful Spring.” When talk turns to wearing occasion appropriate clothes, and the Narrator says, “Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes...” Tom butts in, “Is immoral.” And when he says, “But good grooming is more than clothes deep,” Joel says, “It’s being snowy white.” There’s a reason shorts like this were put together into compilations in the Rhino era: they’re snappy and hilarious.  

See? Cleaning for random people's education can be fun!

Unfortunately, most of the jokes in the episode are  kind of like the movie: harmless but fun and goofy. They make okay use of the material, but from the jokes to the host segments, by and largs it’s just okay. It’s a fine episode for long time fans to see, but not one they’ll be revisiting over and over.  Then again, like I say, a mediocre episode of MST is better than most anything else, so I’m not complaining about spending time watching it.

Episode in a Riff:

For the short:

Grooming is between you and the Lord God.  -Crow

For the movie:

It’s a deadly game of cat and mouse, only with a dog and a guy...-Joel

Random Asides:

-I haven’t seen a Joel episode in a while. Man, I miss them.

-This was from Joel’s last run of episodes on the show, and it doesn’t feel at all like he’s ready to leave. He’s as fun as ever, but it’s too bad some of the last movies featuring him weren’t a better fit for the show or funnier.

-The short is an educational film about the importance of grooming, which you’d think would be primarily aimed at young kids, but stars a bunch of college aged people, whom I’m pretty sure are familiar with the concept of bathing. Oh well, whatever, they can show to young people in the 50s to keep them off soda and rock and roll, right?

-The host segment skits are just okay, but there are some standout moments, primarily when Dr. F shows his invention exchange that turns Frank’s heart into a generator, and when it slows, he yells, “FRANK, EAT!”

-Oh, and when Tom and Crow discuss which version of the girl from the short is better, the sloppy or clean one, Joel acts as judge and offers this even handed judgment: “Both of these issues are complex, and there’s no easy answers, but Crow’s right.” Crow cheers wildly. 

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1104 - Avalanche

Thing’s aren’t normal. There’s a heaviness and it’s growing. I can feel it...

The movie's most likeable character.

Disaster movies were to the 70s what action movies were to the 80s and 90s and superhero movies are to the 2000s to today. Okay, maybe not quite that. But thanks to the likes of Irwin Allen producing hits like The Poseidon Adventure, there were plenty of movies with famous actors getting trapped in burning buildings, surviving earthquakes, and dealing with all types of airport disasters. Airplane! took plenty of air out of the lungs of the genre, but MST3K only got a few hits in early when it was still on a UHF station. That is, until Avalanche. So, how does MST3K handle a largely unriffed genre, especially with the new cast and crew of Season 11?

Rock Hudson, Mia Farrow, and Robert Forster are the star studded cast threatened by a disaster this go around. Rock plays a real estate mogul who invites his ex-wife, Farrow, to his newly opened ski lodge in an attempt to woo her back. But Forster’s nature photographer thinks Hudson has cut down too many trees for his buildings, and increases the threat of avalanche. But this movie isn’t called “Incident-Free Ski Lodge”, so when a plane accidentally crashes into the mountain, well, you know. Characters reconcile, subplots upon subplots get tossed around in the snow, and modest special effects showcase a modest sense of awe and destruction. 

Starring Rock Hudson, Mia Farrow, Robert Forster, and all the ugly browns of the 1970s.

  

On my first time watching this, I wasn’t big on the episode. The movie has some things to offer, but not a lot. It’s got cheesy melodrama and action, but nothing out of the ordinary for the time. Despite all the snow bunnies and skiing stuff, there’s nothing especially dumb, offensive, or goofy about it. Largely, its them stretching for jokes, especially with all the jokes about the avalance itself, like Crow asking, during a romantic scene between Farrow and Forster, “So then the avalanche sneaks up and kills them, is that what happens?” There are some good jokes in there, don’t get me wrong. In fact, I found more on my second viewing I enjoyed. And there’s a few jokes at Farrow and Hudson, but not a lot and thankfully nothing mean spirited (“I brought enough cheekbones for every one of us,” jokes Tom when Mia Farrow walks onto a scene.)  But Jonah and the Bots aren’t really clicking with the movie.

What it does have going for it is that it comes from maybe MST’s favorite decade, the 70s. Even as the cast and crew have switched from kids of the 60s and 70s to the 80s and 90s, there’s still plenty of room on the SOL for riffs on wood paneling on cars, disco, and all the brown.  As a crappy band plays and people dance about it horrible yellow and brown 70s fashion, Jonah says, “1978, you have so many crimes to answer for.” Later during the party, Servo opines somberly, “Disco Fever affected everyone back then.” And during a ski race, Jonah says, “Smokers, drug users, and coffee drinkers?” To which Crow replies, “Oh, I get it! It’s a race to see who’s gonna live in the 80s.” Oh, and yes, they sneak in a reference to “Stupid Sexy Flanders”.

But even though the episode has more than its share of fun, to me,  the star is the “Hybrid Disaster Movie” segment. Ever since SyFy Channel movies hit it big, intentionally cheesy movies have been a thorn in the side of honest B-movie lovers, and Jonah and the Bots confront it head on. The Hybrid B-Movie sketch, where they make up tons of fake intentionally bad B-movie titles, became an immediate all-time classic and personal favorite. With fake B-movie titles like, “ BruchtapusMastodennui”, “Pugslide”, and “Volcanosaurus!”, how can you love cheesy scifi movies and MST and not love this sketch? The other skits are fine, including special guest  Neil Patrick Harris reuniting with fellow Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-long Blog member Felicia Day for a new song. There are also some small improvements to the show in general, such as the camera being better positioned on the SOL bridge. 

Jonah and the Bots doing God's work.

I swear, Felicia Day actually lands this punch.

 

So while Jonah and the Bots do fumble a little with a genre untested by the show before, I did enjoy this much more the second go around, and there’s enough to make MSTies happy on a rewatch. That said, let’s hope they learn a little so that they’re more prepared for the next disaster movie they cover.

Episode in a Riff:

During a figure skating montage: “Patience, sweet avalanche, your time will come.” -Crow

Random Asides:

-Kinga: “How are movies born?”

Max: “Oh! When  When a team of skilled hard working technical professionals really love each other...”

Excellent explanation, Max.

-There are a few Mia Farrow and Roman Polanski jokes early on. Topical!

...that comments works as both being serious and sarcastic.

-I love young Robert Forster in this. Glad he’s still getting decent work.

-This movie does something a lot of disaster movies do, which is introduce minor characters to have something happen to during the disaster who aren’t the main characters. And they’re as boring here as they are in every other 70s disaster movie.

-I can’t tell if Farrow is really good at playing nervous and shy around her ex, or that’s just how she i.

-Green screened avalanche footage is not impressive

-The joke “ava-lunch” is subtitled, and this makes me happy

-I like how Jonah tries to start a sketch based around the movie’s lighting, and Crow and Servo just bulldozer over him.

-What’s uglier: 70s fashion or 70s food?

-And now, my top 10 favorite fake B-movie titles;

10. Blizcanoswordapocalastronaut

9. T-Rexsplosion

8. Fraggle Rockslide

7. Rikki Tikki Tarantula

6. El-Nino Bear

5. Raptor Identity Theft 2016

4. Adobe Flashflood

3. Spider-Man: But a Monster, Not the Superhero

2. Cari-BOO! (cuz it’s a ghost)

1. Will Feral Cats

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