It was an age of magic. An age of sorcery. An age of chaos.
 |
| The grocery store toy aisle-versions of Chewy, Atreyu, and Conan. |
One of the great things about the renewed seasons of MST3K is seeing how they apply what’s been learned and perfected in the art of riffing since season 10 to different genres. This has led to new favorites of mine, such as kaiju episode Yonggary, as well as okay ones, like swords-and-sandals epic The Loves of Hercules. Family fantasy film Wizards of the Lost Kingdom falls somewhere in between: it’s hilarious, thanks to the crew’s refined riffing skills, but, oddly, feels held back from greatness by the movie not being worse than it is.
 |
| Pictured: one charismatic and cheesy villain; one crabby hat. |
A Roger Corman produced quickie from the 80s, Wizards is… oh my God do I really have to try to recount the plot? Sigh, fine. After an opening comprised of footage from other Corman-produced fantasy flicks of the 80s, we meet young wizard-in-training Simon, son of court wizard Wulfrick, and his betrothed, Princess Aura. Their kingdom of Axeholme is quickly invaded by evil wizard Shurka, and Simon is tasked with saving the day. How is Simon supposed to save the day? By retrieving his father’s magic ring. What happened to the ring? It was given to him before his father teleported Simon and his giant white carpet monster friend Gulfax to safety away from Shurka’s invading army. Only, Simon literally drops the ring right after being handed it, and now he must make a perilous journey back to the castle before Shurka and his men locate the ring. Way. To. Go. Simon. They soon meet loutish warrior Kor the Conqueror, who accompanies them as a bodyguard on their leisurely stroll I mean fantastic adventure back. They’ll face dangers such as bands of warriors, seductive spider-women, and puppets of varying degree of craftsmanship. It ends with the time-honored fantasy tradition of Simon and Shurka shooting magical colors at one another until Shurka is dead, the kingdom is freed, and Kor sets off to feed his crippling alcoholism.
 |
| Kor conquering sobriety. Also, Tom Bombadil looks terrible in this adaptation. |
So, you’ve got a bunch of random occurrences amounting to a plot, charmingly chintzy 80s special effects, and characters including a bratty teen wizard, a drunken warrior, and an overacting villain. If this sounds like the magical concoction to a great MST3K episode, it is. The only thing missing? A truly terrible movie. Because, as inane and inept as Wizards of the Long Kingdom is, it isn’t that awful, at least by MST standards. While there isn’t much for a story, a lot does happen, and it’s pretty well paced. But, there are no truly terrible performances or really aggravating characters to really fire up the SOL crew. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty for them to chew on. There’s the effects, like when Jonah wonders during the final magical fight, “Are they still fighting, or just sharing Spirograph drawings?” Oh, and then there’s one of my favorite staples of these movies, the castle sets, so when the evil army invades, Crow says, “Hurry up! We’ve got to take over this papier-mâché castle before it rains!” They even make fun of the stock footage from other movies, like when Simon wakes up from a dream sequence with parts lifted from Sorceress, Jonah asks, “Can I stay in the other movie please?” Then there’s the characters. Kor joins the ranks of oafs purporting to be heroes MST3K has made mincemeat of countless times. When he finds out a magic hobgoblin he’s just saved has wine, Tom says, “And Kor’s story arc is complete.” Then there’s Simon, our plucky boy wizard, which means he fails at the first task he’s given and relies on others to solve his problems for him. When he says, “I’ll try,” before attempting a magic spell, Jonah adds, “Even though trying goes against my millennial code.”
 |
| Not pictured: a scene shot for the movie Wizards of the Lost Kingdom. |
But, Kor’s not as memorable as Mitchell or Rowsdower, and Bo Svenson even imbues him with some affable charm, far more than Deathstalker had. So, Jonah and the Bots’ rips at him being a drunken loser, while hilarious, don’t come across quite as strongly as they could if he were lamer or more pathetic figure. And Simon is not as memorably wimpy as Troy or as engagingly aggravating as a Kenny, so Jonah and the Bots’ zings about him being a whiny loser feel a little inauthentic, even if they are funny. And Thom Christopher is just plain scenery-chewing fun as Shurka. Like I said, there is a lot going on riff-wise. It just feels as if the movie was remarkably worse it would’ve really pulled the best out of them and led to an even funnier episode. But despite the “let’s put on a show!” atmosphere MST3K provides, it’s run by professionals, and they’re determined to mine this movie for every ounce of comedy gold they can, from cracks at Kor and Simon, to the episode’s long running gag of Jonah and the Bots naming Shurka’s hat Crabby the Crab hat and giving it the voice of a Looney Tunes’ wiseguy. “You sure throw a swell shindig, boss!” Jonah growls when Shurka throws a celebratory dinner. There’s even a part where Jonah as Crabby and Tom as Shurka discuss suspension of disbelief regarding the movie’s plot!
 |
| "Remember, really cool kids wait until they're ready and mature before practicing necromancy." |
The workmanlike comedy comes though in the host segments: funny, but no real standouts. The best is Jonah as Kor singing a doo-wop style song to Tom as Simon that compares necromancy to puberty and waiting for the right time to raise the dead. It’s pretty fun and has good lyrics like “One day you’ll create your own zombies / They’ll do everything you tell them to / Once you’re finally ready to share the magic inside of you!” but won’t be in any top MST3K song lists. The Suicide Cave playset bit at the end is also fun, as the show’s special effects are about on par with the movie’s, and jokes about playing with giant pieces of plastic will ring true for a lot of kids who grew up in the 80s-90s.
 |
| You just know that inside there's just a ton of that neon green slime the best 80s toys had. |
If it feels like I’m nitpicking a really funny episode of a show I love, it’s because I absolutely am. It’s like my MST drunk brain can almost see the ethereal line between a good episode and a great one, and this just doesn’t quite cross it. If anything, the movie fails to match their effort! But, when that’s the worst complaint to have about an episode, that means it’s only one of many well worth revisiting.
Episode in a Riff
Ah, it’s like The Lord of the Rings, without all the fancy, good stuff. -Crow
Random Asides:
-The Crabby the Crab Hat jokes may affect your feelings for the episode. I’m about half-love and half-hate with them, but you can’t deny they’re not skillfully making something from the smallest bit of movie.
-The episode starts not with the SOL crew, but with Max discovering a weird machine unlocked with a key he found. Weird.
-I like Max’s defense of wearing the giant key around his neck: “I’ve long been a fan of male jewelry”
-The Mads’ invention of a corporate sponsor-based clock feels especially evil.
-I should use verbal smoke bomb of “love to stay and chat but we’ve got movie signs!” in my daily life
-My note for when Simon drops the ring: “Way to go, Frodo.”
-Another note I had about the movie: "At least Corman's other sword and sorcery flicks strung their flimsy plots together with gore and bewbs."
-Them characterizing Simon as a whiny trust fund millennial is a lot of fun.
-What on earth is Synthia doing at the end as Kinga and Max sign off?
-This is the first episode for me to review that has podcast episodes done by It’s Just a Show AND SoL-Mates! AND after I’ve discovered Gizmonic Institute Radio! My favorite moments from each one: It’s Just a Show calling Simon and Kor’s journey, “time killing adventures”; the SoL-Mates referring to Kor as “Rowzwarrior” and Gulfax as “Teddy Fuxin”; and GIR calling him “Gulfwax”.
Additional Links:
Gizmonic Institute Radio podcast
