1110 - Wizards of the Lost Kingdom

It was an age of magic. An age of sorcery. An age of chaos.

 

The grocery store toy aisle-versions of Chewy, Atreyu, and Conan.

One of the great things about the renewed seasons of MST3K is seeing how they apply what’s been learned and perfected in the art of riffing since season 10 to different genres. This has led to new favorites of mine, such as kaiju episode Yonggary, as well as okay ones, like swords-and-sandals epic The Loves of Hercules. Family fantasy film Wizards of the Lost Kingdom falls somewhere in between: it’s hilarious, thanks to the crew’s refined riffing skills, but, oddly, feels held back from greatness by the movie not being worse than it is.

Pictured: one charismatic and cheesy villain; one crabby hat.

A Roger Corman produced quickie from the 80s, Wizards is… oh my God do I really have to try to recount the plot? Sigh, fine. After an opening comprised of footage from other Corman-produced fantasy flicks of the 80s, we meet young wizard-in-training Simon, son of court wizard Wulfrick, and his betrothed, Princess Aura. Their kingdom of Axeholme is quickly invaded by evil wizard Shurka, and Simon is tasked with saving the day. How is Simon supposed to save the day? By retrieving his father’s magic ring. What happened to the ring? It was given to him before his father teleported Simon and his giant white carpet monster friend Gulfax to safety away from Shurka’s invading army. Only, Simon literally drops the ring right after being handed it, and now he must make a perilous journey back to the castle before Shurka and his men locate the ring. Way. To. Go. Simon. They soon meet loutish warrior Kor the Conqueror, who accompanies them as a bodyguard on their leisurely stroll I mean fantastic adventure back. They’ll face dangers such as bands of warriors, seductive spider-women, and puppets of varying degree of craftsmanship. It ends with the time-honored fantasy tradition of Simon and Shurka shooting magical colors at one another until Shurka is dead, the kingdom is freed, and Kor sets off to feed his crippling alcoholism. 

 

Kor conquering sobriety. Also, Tom Bombadil looks terrible in this adaptation.

So, you’ve got a bunch of random occurrences amounting to a plot, charmingly chintzy 80s special effects, and characters including a bratty teen wizard, a drunken warrior, and an overacting villain. If this sounds like the magical concoction to a great MST3K episode, it is. The only thing missing? A truly terrible movie. Because, as inane and inept as Wizards of the Long Kingdom is, it isn’t that awful, at least by MST standards. While there isn’t much for a story, a lot does happen, and it’s pretty well paced. But, there are no truly terrible performances or really aggravating characters to really fire up the SOL crew. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty for them to chew on. There’s the effects, like when Jonah wonders during the final magical fight, “Are they still fighting, or just sharing Spirograph drawings?” Oh, and then there’s one of my favorite staples of these movies, the castle sets, so when the evil army invades, Crow says, “Hurry up! We’ve got to take over this papier-mâché castle before it rains!” They even make fun of the stock footage from other movies, like when Simon wakes up from a dream sequence with parts lifted from Sorceress, Jonah asks, “Can I stay in the other movie please?” Then there’s the characters. Kor joins the ranks of oafs purporting to be heroes MST3K has made mincemeat of countless times. When he finds out a magic hobgoblin he’s just saved has wine, Tom says, “And Kor’s story arc is complete.” Then there’s Simon, our plucky boy wizard, which means he fails at the first task he’s given and relies on others to solve his problems for him. When he says, “I’ll try,” before attempting a magic spell, Jonah adds, “Even though trying goes against my millennial code.” 

 

Not pictured: a scene shot for the movie Wizards of the Lost Kingdom.

But, Kor’s not as memorable as Mitchell or Rowsdower, and Bo Svenson even imbues him with some affable charm, far more than Deathstalker had. So, Jonah and the Bots’ rips at him being a drunken loser, while hilarious, don’t come across quite as strongly as they could if he were lamer or more pathetic figure. And Simon is not as memorably wimpy as Troy or as engagingly aggravating as a Kenny, so Jonah and the Bots’ zings about him being a whiny loser feel a little inauthentic, even if they are funny. And Thom Christopher is just plain scenery-chewing fun as Shurka. Like I said, there is a lot going on riff-wise. It just feels as if the movie was remarkably worse it would’ve really pulled the best out of them and led to an even funnier episode. But despite the “let’s put on a show!” atmosphere MST3K provides, it’s run by professionals, and they’re determined to mine this movie for every ounce of comedy gold they can, from cracks at Kor and Simon, to the episode’s long running gag of Jonah and the Bots naming Shurka’s hat Crabby the Crab hat and giving it the voice of a Looney Tunes’ wiseguy. “You sure throw a swell shindig, boss!” Jonah growls when Shurka throws a celebratory dinner. There’s even a part where Jonah as Crabby and Tom as Shurka discuss suspension of disbelief regarding the movie’s plot!

"Remember, really cool kids wait until they're ready and mature before practicing necromancy."

The workmanlike comedy comes though in the host segments: funny, but no real standouts. The best is Jonah as Kor singing a doo-wop style song to Tom as Simon that compares necromancy to puberty and waiting for the right time to raise the dead. It’s pretty fun and has good lyrics like “One day you’ll create your own zombies / They’ll do everything you tell them to / Once you’re finally ready to share the magic inside of you!” but won’t be in any top MST3K song lists. The Suicide Cave playset bit at the end is also fun, as the show’s special effects are about on par with the movie’s, and jokes about playing with giant pieces of plastic will ring true for a lot of kids who grew up in the 80s-90s.

You just know that inside there's just a ton of that neon green slime the best 80s toys had.

If it feels like I’m nitpicking a really funny episode of a show I love, it’s because I absolutely am. It’s like my MST drunk brain can almost see the ethereal line between a good episode and a great one, and this just doesn’t quite cross it. If anything, the movie fails to match their effort! But, when that’s the worst complaint to have about an episode, that means it’s only one of many well worth revisiting.

Episode in a Riff

Ah, it’s like The Lord of the Rings, without all the fancy, good stuff. -Crow

Random Asides:

-The Crabby the Crab Hat jokes may affect your feelings for the episode. I’m about half-love and half-hate with them, but you can’t deny they’re not skillfully making something from the smallest bit of movie.

-The episode starts not with the SOL crew, but with Max discovering a weird machine unlocked with a key he found. Weird.

-I like Max’s defense of wearing the giant key around his neck: “I’ve long been a fan of male jewelry”

-The Mads’ invention of a corporate sponsor-based clock feels especially evil.

-I should use verbal smoke bomb of “love to stay and chat but we’ve got movie signs!” in my daily life

-My note for when Simon drops the ring: “Way to go, Frodo.”

 -Another note I had about the movie: "At least Corman's other sword and sorcery flicks strung their flimsy plots together with gore and bewbs."

-Them characterizing Simon as a whiny trust fund millennial is a lot of fun.

-What on earth is Synthia doing at the end as Kinga and Max sign off?

-This is the first episode for me to review that has podcast episodes done by It’s Just a Show AND SoL-Mates! AND after I’ve discovered Gizmonic Institute Radio! My favorite moments from each one: It’s Just a Show calling Simon and Kor’s journey, “time killing adventures”; the SoL-Mates referring to Kor as “Rowzwarrior” and Gulfax as “Teddy Fuxin”; and GIR calling him “Gulfwax”.

Additional Links:

Satellite News Review

MST3K Fandom entry

SoL-Mates podcast

It's Just a Show podcast

Gizmonic Institute Radio podcast

MST3K Podcasts

In my throes of passionate fandom this year, I’ve been doing more than just watching lots of MST3K: I’ve been listening about it. I’ve been streaming not one, not two, but three podcasts all about MST3K! So, I wanted to give them some love and talk about them a little.

 

The first is It’s Just a Show. Hosted by Adam Clarke and Chris Piuma (who took over for Beth Martin after episode 57), It’s Just a Show dives deep into the movies featured on MST3K, going into their making, history, connections to other experiments, and anything else that the movie or episode makes them think of. This has lead to everything from the history of Tales From the Crypt based on a riff from Wizards of the Lost Kingdom, to the legacy of filmmaker Al Adamson, director of Carnival Magic, not to mention just how many actors have been in movies with Donald Pleasence. Features include the Shallow 13, where they unearth interesting tidbits, such as how Corey Allen, director of Avalanche, once met the Manson Family! This is the podcast for those who wand an informative and critical appraisal of the show and to learn more about the many strange movies featured on it.

Up next is SoL-Mates. Hosts, couples, and longtime friends Joe and Dr. Devori Kimbro and MiMi and Jeff Smith come together to passionately discuss MST3K, ostensibly using the show to discuss how to foster long term relationships, but really just letting their long term friendships and love for the show lead to jokes, some background on the movies, and their own personal thoughts on the episode. Features include Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda, where the hosts theorize on how to improve the movie based on it’s faults (such as, what if Quentin Tarantino had directed The Time Travelers?), the Rowsdower Cockatil hour, where they come up with a drink based on the featured movie (for instance, Horror at Party Beach leads to the “Toxic Sex on the Beach”), and finally, what the movie taught them about fostering a deeper relationship (from I Accuse My Parents: “Don’t marry a liar!.) Listening to the podcast is the next best thing to watching the SOL crew riff a movie: hanging out with fellow MSTies. They’re raucous and very raunchy and a ton of fun!

Finally, we come to what might be the longest running MST-themed podcast, Gizmonic Institute Radio. Returning in May of 2021 from a three-year hiatus, the podcast has been running for almost a decade and is actually story focused, telling the tale of mad scientist Dr. Odd, who just can’t stand it when people talk during movies. So, in the name of mad science, he kidnaps and forces two random people to watch MST3K until they lose their minds (why does that sound familiar?) However, the people he kidnaps, Jeff Brown and Seth Macy, turn out to be huge MSTies and make the best of watching and reviewing every episode of their favorite show. Seth is later swapped out with cast member Renea Brown by Dr. Odd in a test subject swap with another mad scientist. So far, Jeff, Seth, and Renea have endured exploding nuclear reactors that are there just to look cool, evil plans based on cabbage patch dolls, and clam-flavored drinks, all while reviewing episodes of MST3K. The characters and skits are fun, and very much in the spirit of the show.

 

There you have it! Three very different takes on MST3K in three very unique, informative, and fun podcasts. Take a listen! Because if you’re like me, you’re already all but rotting your eyes by watching the show over and over, so why not rot your ears as well?

212 - Godzilla vs. Megalon

Jet Jaguar! Get Godzilla!

A friendship as enduring as... one movie.

What to say about Godzilla vs. Megalon? It’s one of the most infamous of Godzilla movies, made during the nadir of the series’ original run. Its main attraction is Jet Jaguar, an Ultraman-esque robot created by a child who entered a contest run by Toho, a lot of the destruction scenes are lifted from older movies, and Godzilla himself doesn’t really appear until the last half-hour. What’s to say about it? If you’re the crew of the SOL, you have a lot of hilarious things to say about it!

Megalon and Gigan: the Mac and Dennis of the kaiju world.

Because this is a Godzilla movie made in the 70s, calling the plot “batshit” would be generous, so I’ll just go over the highlights: Jet Jaguar, a robot made by humans, gets help from Godzilla to fight Megalon, a sort-of giant rhino beetle from the undersea kingdom of Seatopia, and Gigan, the cyborg-chainsaw-chicken monster from the previous movie whom the Seatopians literally just ask to borrow from his alien masters. Eventually, the bad guy monsters get beat up enough to leave, Godzilla and Jet Jaguar become friends, and then Jet Jaguar gets his own theme music to close out the movie. It’s fast paced, very goofy, and there’s an annoying kid character (the “Kenny”) in it for no reason other than to appeal to kids. It’s dang near the bottom in terms of Godzilla movies, but it still has some fun action and monster fights.

Somehow, still not the most ridiculous Godzilla moment.

So of course, Joel and the Bots have a ball with it. There’s jokes about the effects, when Megalon first appears, Tom says, “He awakes with the worst special effects of the morning.” Then there’s the Seatopian’s ridiculous outfits and togas, prompting Joel to say, “These Klan meetings have really lightened up. Very festive!” There’s even some historical references, like when the Japanese military fires tons of missiles at Megalon, and Joel says, “Who’s firing, Kissinger? You got him!” They also don’t make many bad Japanese-accent jokes, which didn’t do Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster any favors.

"I'm off to destroy happiness in a giant turtle movie!"

Then there’s the treatment they give the movie’s poor little shrill-voiced Kenny, Roku-chan. When somebody says his name, which sounds like “Roxanne”, Tom says, “You don’t have to wear that dress tonight!” They make fun of his dubbing, like when he shrieks, “It’s a pity we can’t sent Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla,” and Crow retorts, “Yeah, it’s a pity we can’t kill you and get away with it.” And when he goes riding off on his little scooter, Joel encourages him, “Don’t forget to ride towards traffic!”

How Godzilla deals with hostage takers.

They also make the most of the main monster battle royale, which the SOL crew joke through like they’re fight commentators. “So, gang, what does Godzilla bring into this fray?” Tom asks. “He brings the legend that is ‘Godzilla’,” Joel responds. And when Godzilla uses a tree on Megalon, Crow yells, “He’s got a tree! He’s got a tree! That’s not the Godzilla we know, he’s fighting dirty!” Sometimes too much monster action can reduce them to just bored spectators, but here they’re on radioactive fire.

I could watch them scream at one another like this for ten minutes.

The sense of fun they have spreads into the host segments. Crow and Tom make up their own monsters in one segment, which quickly devolves into them childishly one-upping each other with new powers and how much stronger their monster is than the other’s. “Mine has a secret elf in his head!” Crow says. Tom replies, “Mine is a million, jillion times more powerful!”The “Orville Popcorn” sketch making fun of the old Orville Redenbacher commercials may not have anything to do with the movie, but it is a blast, as elderly popcorn magnet Crow chastises grandson Tom for wanting to ditch his dorky outfit and use their money to get chicks. It quickly devolves into screaming, threat-filled hysterics, and it’s wonderful. But it says a lot that this isn’t even the best skit. No, that goes to “Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy”, where the crew uses clips of main character Hiroshi and his escapades chasing bad guys in his little hatchback accompanied by jazzy keyboard music to pretend it’s a spy TV show. It’s simple and catchy and boy is it a hoot.

Yet another time the cast and crew of the show almost immolated themselves in the name of comedy.

The only things keeping this episode from being an all-time classic are the lack of anything truly, memorably bad about the movie (them watching Godzilla’s Revenge would’ve solved that. Woof) and… that’s about it. I don’t think Jet Jaguar gets mentioned in any future episodes, but I’m pretty sure Rex Dart gets a reference in a Jonah episode. Really, it’s a shame this one doesn’t get more callbacks, as Jet Jaguar, the eternally-smiling, size-changing robot, is a lot of fun, and there’s a ton to enjoy about this episode. It’s just that the Gamera movies overshadow the Godzilla ones in terms of badness, memorable silliness, and riffing quality. The only thing they don’t have is Godzilla. And it says a lot about this episode’s quality that the Big G isn’t the only reason to watch it.

Episode in a riff:

Godzilla’s back, and someone’s got to pay! -Servo

Random asides:

-I reviewed this not just so I could have a celebration to mark my 50^th review (God, I’m slow at writing these), but to celebrate the release of the new anime Godzilla: Singular Point. Let’s just say that, even with its high production quality and anime versions of Godzilla, Anguirus, and Jet Jaguar, I’d much rather watch the MSTied version of Godzilla vs. Megalon over it. Hell, maybe even the un-MSTied version of GvM over it.

-I love how Mike Nelson describes the writing of the Orville Popcorn sketch in the Amazing Colossal Episode Guide. It’s apparently one of his favorites, and it, “takes on a weak opponent and pummels him mercilessly… Our Show continues a tradition of tackling anemic opponents e.g. barbecue sauces, Mentos candies, bed and breakfasts. Sleep better, America, knowing that we don’t intend to stop.”

-My other favorite entry from the ACEG is Trace Beaulieu’s “MST3K Monster!” entry, calling Godzilla, “A.K.A. the Amazing Teddy Z” and that “Jet Jaguar also makes an appearance, but I don’t really consider him a monster so I’m not going to talk about him.” Gigan is not even mentioned at all. But true G-fans know he’s rad, so it’s okay.

-The crew, especially Tom, hurl a few “Fakey”s at the model work, a lot of which comes from stock footage from Destroy All Monsters, one of the series’ best. I’d take offense to that on Eiji Tsuburaya’s sake, but considering the movies the cast and crew of this show have had to endure, I’d say they’ve paid their penance for it.

- “Little problem getting the Rosie Greer head to take”. Oh, Dr. F.

-“If you’re like me, and I know I am...” Something random Joel says that I love.

-I adore the childish bickering between Crow and Tom about whose robot is more powerful

-Tom says, of Roku-chan’s dolphin ride, “They can make high-definition TV but theycan’t make decent water toys.” Hey, I thought those were neat as a kid!

-Tom says of Jet Jaguar, “What a stupid name!” A group of kids say exactly the same thing in Godzilla: Singular Point.

-Even after seeing this movie a dozen times, I still don’t know why they needed the model plane to distract the Seatopians.

-All shots of Megalon destroying panes are of Gigan from previous movie.

-Why would Jet Jaguar’s creators build it so it could give itself free will? Haven’t they seen what that’s lead to for poor Joel Robinson?!

-In the previous movie Gigan had King Ghidorah as a sort-of sidekick. Here, he’s the sidekick

-Joel, as the commercial producer, after the Bots have been screaming at each other for about ten straight seconds: “It’s a 30 second spot, try to mention the product more.”

-I love the crew’s translation of Jet Jaguar’s fight song, especially the lyric, “His mother never really love him,” which has been in my head for years.

-Wow, the cast and crew really put themselves at risk with that flame thrower on Tom’s arm in the final host segment.

-Gotta love the Mads playing Mario at the end.

-The stinger for this episode, of Godzilla jumping into the ocean, is actually a clip from a previous Godzilla movie, Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster, which, yep, would be the next episode!

 

It's true.

 

Additional Links

Satellite News review

MST3K Fandom entry

Annotations

211 - First Spaceship on Venus

I am referring to our sister planet, Venus, the morning star!

 

Gotta science the shit outta Venus!

 

Fittingly for MST3K, space is the place. The inhabitants of the Satellite of Love probably watch as many space movies as they do radioactively-enlarged animal movies. Despite the lack of anything to eat or much breathable air, this environment has given them a lot to feed on and laugh about, resulting in classic episodes like Space Mutiny. But, that doesn’t mean that every trip to the stars means they land on a humorously hospitable planet. Sometimes, it’s as dry and sterile as an asteroid. This is my overly verbose way of saying First Spaceship on Venus is a middling episode.

Pictured: diversity, communism!

In the far off year of 1985, scientists discover a strange spool made of an unknown material, which turns out to have been from a crashed Venusian spaceship, responsible for the Tunguska explosion in the early 1900s. An international crew is assembled and sent off to find out what’s going on with our astronomical nextdoor neighbor, encountering dangers such as trails of meteors, zero gravity, and outdated ideas of the future. But, what awaits for them when they land on Venus?

Actually, pretty good special effects, a well-written story, and an overall decent science fiction movie await them. First Spaceship on Venus was originally an East German / Polish endeavor called The Silent Star, based on a novel by Solaris author Stanislaw Lem, but was reedited and dubbed for American audiences, ala what happened when the original Gojira was turned into Godzilla, King of the Monsters! (minus the pleasant addition of Raymond Burr). This means this is one of the rare cases where Joel and the Bots get a somewhat decent movie to watch. And this poses a problem for a show whose primary conceit is to watch cheesy movies, the worst they can find (la la la.)

Apparently, Dr. Seuss was popular on Venus.

 Even with it being dubbed and heavily reedited from the original version, the movie just doesn’t give Joel and the Bots much to work with. There are no annoying characters or bad special effects to rip on. On the one hand, this means the movie isn’t too painful to sit through. On the other, it means the crew don’t seem very engaged with this one, and are more like casual movie goers than professional quipsters. Some of the jokes are a little simple, like Joel just saying, “It’s neat!” when shown a spaceship flies by, and Crow asking, “Does this guy have a job?” when one of the crew members plays chess with the robot. There’s also a recurring joke they make, asking each other, when hearing the character Harringway’s name, “How much does a herring weigh?” It’s okay, but gets used way too often. Also, in the opening host segment, Servo asks Joel to raise the level on his sarcasm sequencer, meaning throughout the episode he just makes really sarcastic jokes, which gets old after a while and thankfully only lasts for this episode. But, there’s maybe one or two Star Trek jokes, no Star Wars jokes, just not much showing that they’re really into riffing the movie. That’s not to say there aren’t some good jokes here and there and there, though. There’s a clever reference when, after seeing a hanging model of the solar system, Servo says, “Alexander Calder was here!” They have fun with the Venusian trap that looks like moving pile of excrement, a character asks “What was that?” and Joel responds, “About a million pounds of doody.” And, of course, Crow gets in a gag about Uranus.

Tasty?

The lack of engagement with the movie can also be felt in the host segments. Most of them feel like the cast and crew are just filling time, like when the Bots encounter a gorilla cruising by in space. Although, I did enjoy the Klack Food Sketch, a funny few minutes of words thrown together to make nonsensical foods (Flabby leather pancakes, creamy clouded palm spread on horsey biscuits, salamander finger-whiches, etc), and Joel’s junk drawer starter kit is a fun invention. But overall, it kinda seems like, well, that the Best Brains were off during the making of this one. They don’t seem really involved with riffing the movie, and the host segments aren’t really connected to the movie (usually a sign it’s not holding their attention). Kevin Murphy says in The Amazing Colossal Episode Guide, after describing the extremely weird host segments, that, “...We went on vacation right after this show. We hugged our loved ones, gathered ‘round the holiday table, and I for one had a good, long cry.” I may be reading too much into it, but maybe they were just damn tired and needed a break.

I remember liking this one more the last two times I watched it. This time, though, it felt uninspired most of the time. They don’t do a lot with the movie, though to be fair it doesn’t give them a lot to work with, and they just felt like they were going through the motions. It’s not terrible, and they do riff frequently, but there’s nothing really clever going on. For diehard MSTies and Sanislaw Lem fans only.

Episode in a Riff:

“Any interest I had in them getting safely off the planet has been completely erased by a miasma of boring technical stuff.” -Crow

Random Asides

-Joel has on a teal jumpsuit in this one!

-Servo is sarcastic enough already, he doesn’t need to be made more.

-A rainy Saturday night was a perfect way to watch this one.

-”Dan Quayle scares me as much as the next guy.” Ah, the 90s.

-I like the little interplay about the Mads stealing Joel’s idea

-The Dick Tracy product placement in the Mads’ invention really tickles me.

-God, Abe Vigoda was old even then!

-I like how, during the exposition dumping news reports, the scientist studying the spool are just called “The Scientists”. Makes them sound like an alt rock band.

-Astronaut Harringway, with his features and coiffed hair, reminds me of Christopher Nolan.

-Joel’s reaction to the Bots’ robot that communicates in foam is my reaction to the sketch.

-I love the futuristic room with “the world’s largest computer.”

-Can nobody in this movie pronounce “Omega” properly?

-In one of the movie’s nice touches, the spaceship crew decide to warn Earth that the Venusians intend the planet harm, and argue that the world won’t fall into panic, and should be prepared. It’s a little optimism I like.

-I like the Sol-Mates podcast episode where they describe it as “Epcot Venus.” I also thought it was pretty accurate how they describe the host segments as a grab bag they probably had written but couldn't find a place for. 

-The Mads’ Abe Vigoda in a box bit would return as Robert Plant in The Amazing Colossal Man.

-If all they needed was a break, it shows, because the following episodes are Godzilla vs. Megalon and Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster, two very good ones.

-I really did like the Klack Foods sketch. It reminded me of some of the funniest fake foods mentioned in Firesign Theater skits. Surprised Servo didn’t mention hot buttered groat clusters.

-The DVD came with the 20th Anniversary set, which I hate realizing was over ten years ago. But, it has a nice History of MST3K documentary on it. Good to check out with season 13 upcoming.

Additional Links

SatelliteNews review

MST3K Fandom entry

SoL-Mates podcast episode

Annotations