To protect a thing of such import there is only one man...Ator.
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| "What's with those nine guys climbing the mountain? Didn't they see the Parks Services' path?" |
Season
3 begins MST3K’s ascent into cult favorite territory. They’d signed a three
season, 72 episode deal with Comedy Central, guaranteeing them job security and
plenty of movies to riff. It’s the season where the show hit its stride, as the
writers and performers fine-tuned their jokes and delivery. But, while the
season would soon churn out classics, it doesn’t start off with one, at least
for me.
Made
along with ten million other movies to cash in on Conan the Barbarian’s
success, Cave Dwellers is the story of Ator, a mighty warrior and
scholar, and champion of justice by way of slashing people with swords. His
mentor, Akronas, has created a powerful new plot device I mean...power source?
Weapon? Object? It’s something called “the Geometric Nucleus”, and it’s shiny
and….yeah, it’s a plot device. Anyway, a warlord named Zor has captured
Akronas, who sends his daughter Mila off to fetch Ator and his aide Thong (yes,
seriously) to keep the shiny thing out of the hands of evil. Along the way they
encounter henchmen, ronin, and the eponymous cave-dwelling cannibals on the way
to rescue Akronas and save civilization maybe probably. Basically, it boils
down to: heroes fight guys on their way to a place.
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| "My eyes are up here, ma'am." |
Cave
Dwellers
has a lot going for it as a riffable movie. It’s fantasy story, done on the
cheap, with lots of fights and ridiculous moments, so, there’s more than a few
opportunities for good jokes. “Use the handrails, I invented them for a
reason,” Crow says as Akronas leads characters up a flight of stairs. Then
there’s the scene where, no joke, Ator and Thong fight invisible monsters,
causing Joel to say, “I can’t believe it, they were too cheap to hire villains
in the movie!” And they even get some smart swipes in at the dragging script,
when after a long bit of drawn out dialogue, Tom says, “This has more pauses
than a Pinter play.”
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| Star Miles O'Keefe and his massive...weapons. |
Unfortunately,
the movie can also be slow and plodding, there’s quite a lot of padding, and
the fights with variously garbed extras tends to blend together thanks to lame
fight choreography and weak music. So Joel and the Bots aren’t really involved
in the movie, they’re just amiably
incredulous at it. Not saying there aren’t a few laughs, it’s just that the
riffs aren’t as consistenly good as they will be. That, ad the cast and crew also
still coming into their own here, and the riffing still has a little of Season
1-2’s weaknesses. Crow does the nervous laugh he did early on when it felt like
Trace wasn’t sure a joke would work, while cute and endearing, is far from the
witty lil’ robot who laughs at his own stuff because it’s so dang funny. And
there’s still a little of the early goofiness, where Joel and the Bots will
just be silly in place of well timed riffs. Not saying it’s not enjoyable, like
them naming cavemen like they’re announcing a football game (“Playing center
spear, Oog!”) But once the episode gets going, some solid riffing does take
place.
That
said, the host segments are on fire. Joel and the Mads produce two classic
inventions, Joel’s Smoking Jacket and the Mads’ Robotic Arm Wrestling. The
segment where Joel and the Bots parody the movie’s awkward opening title sequence
and its graphics are a hoot. And, the skit where Joel explains various foley
sound effects, such as meat slappers for punches and cracking celery to make
the sound of bones, is something that has stuck with me for decades. Good
stuff.
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| Community theater-level authenticity at it's finest. |
For
some, Cave Dwellers is an all time classic. It ranked #9 in the Top 100
Episodes list voted by fans during Season 11’s Kickstarter run. For me, though,
it’s just a fun appetizer for the main course that is Season 3 and the show as
a whole. The movie’s pacing and the fact that the riffing takes a while to get
going personally keep this one from being a personal fave for me. But towards
the end the riffing does improve, and I did still have fun with this one. For
long time MSTies, this one’s far from a bad choice to revisit. But for me, it
gets better.
Episode
in a riff:
Tom:
"So, let's recap the action so far."
Joel:
"Uh, nothing, really."
Tom:
"You're right, let's move on."
Random
Asides
-Cave
Dwellers is, as most know by now, actually the second Ator movie. This is
especially obvious since it begins with Akronas spending five minutes doing a
clip-show recap of the first movie. Ator fights a spider. Rifftrax covered it
in 2017.
-From
Mike’s tribute to star Miles O’Keefe in the Amazing Colossal Episode Guide: “Every
inch of Miles is a mile we’d like to travel.” Well said, Mike. Mancrush-y, but
well said.
-It’s
insane to think that, even if MST3K had only lasted those five guaranteed
seasons, that would add up to 98 episodes. That’s almost 100 bad movies watched
in just five years, an insane amount of content. The show has lasted more than
twice that now. Few fans are as blessed as MSTies.
-“Smoking:
scientists have known for well over a decade that it’s bad for you.”
-I
love Joel and the bots cheering on Frank and Dr. F as they robotic arm wrestle.
-This
is another movie released by Film Ventures International, who re-edit the title
sequences of the movie with these ugly sequences where half the screen is black
save for letters, and the top features grainy, low framerate scenes from other
movies. It’s unbelievably lame and lazy, and a welcome sight for fans.
-“OH,
I get is. White Shadow could’ve been Haloed Hoop Honkey, and Jake
and the Fatman could’ve been...well Jake and the Fatman.”
-“Joel,
isn’t this kind of fruity?” And the scene where they dress up and play swords
and fantasy b rings out the “let’s put on a show” aspect of MST we all love.
-“Herd
of buffalo? That’s easy, box full of hamsters!”
-I
love the death glare Joel and the Bots give the Mads at the end over how bad
the movie is. There are much, much worse movies covered on the show.
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